Hi, sorry about that, lost track of time;
As I was saying, the weight on my mind seems to overwhelm any lightness or relief I feel, and normally little things build up quicker than the 'vig' on a loan shark's books.
I have not been able to see Rachel for a week due to various reasons and the 'ex' just will not do the simple courtesy of having her call me to say Good Night as she is going to bed, I've asked over forty times and she says yes, and may have her call once or twice, then nothing until I bug her again...over and over and over. I'm about ready to start showing up every night at 8:00pm. and insist on seeing her just to force the point, and call CPS and DHR if I am given any grief........I've got enough to worry about, without having to constantly...................sorry again, there is more going on than that, and you don't have all the gory details.
Enough already.....I'll summarize........okay?
I feel like crap, I feel like I look and smell like crap, I'm broke and when I tried to even go out on the corner Sunday(I did pick up $7.00), I had to leave after 20 minutes because the pressure inside my head almost reached critical mass and the point where a chain reaction was imminent. I rode the Light Rail for 3 hours and got off at Hunt Valley Towne Centre and wandered around for a while......BIG!!!!!! mistake, talk about feeling alone in a crowd, and isolated, went back to the Light Rail and the Metro, to the bus to the Starbucks..(killed another 2 hours with Sunday scheduling) and got there at closing so I could use the bathroom. I sat out side at the tables afterwards, because it really is the only place to sit, went to Giant and got some dinner, and sat until 10.45 pm, ("Mike/Leo" came by and ignored me...thank God, I could not take his constant bitterness, negativity, and blaming others.....I mean, I'm depressed, and I get angry and hurt...but not 24/7, and I accept that I am responsible in part for my situation, and I do see the bright side occasionally, and I AM grateful for what I receive.....you think I whine...!!!!!) and went to the gas station, lost at Keno, and went to lay down......and got hit with a bout of loneliness so intense that I had a razor blade in my hand ready to start slicing and dicing myself just so I could go to the hospital and have some one (female) touch me and pay attention to me.......Sick????, hell yeah.....did I do it???, not THIS time, and only because I feel that am not clean, and I would have been embarrassed. Then I fell asleep only to awake an hour and a half later with the same stomach and related issues that had me running for the gas station bathroom...again. I fell back asleep until 7:30am. for a change, went to Starbucks and again pigged out......and here we are at the library.
I am at a point right now that is on the upward side of the scale, the problem that bothers me is, as I said, the loss of any sense of 'predictable time factor', my moods are going up and down faster than an epilectics Yo-Yo!
okay..outta time..I've got to go sign on again, I may be back ....Dave.
No comments:
Post a Comment