Thursday, June 11, 2009

"A Mind Is A Terrible Thing.......(oh yeah)....To Waste......or.........Screw It, I'm Gonna Get WASTED......"

Hello again;
I was just reflecting on how the rhythm of my life has changed since the Starbucks in Pikesville closed, and also the effect the change in seasons has caused.
My 'commute' has lengthened from 50 yards to about 3 1/2 miles, or from 30 seconds to 15 minutes,(plus waiting time for the bus.....[2 minutes to 59 minutes]..).so now I have to take into consideration the fact that I can't just 'wake, pack, and go', the intensity of the 'morning pressure' shall we call it must be taken into account, and factored in.(And except, seemingly, for their elevators at certain Metro stations,{but that's another story}, the MTA frowns upon peeing on their The warmer weather has also negated the need for a rapid transition from sleeping bag to heated structure, so if my back and bladder are not screaming I may not jump up at the minute I can get inside, or on the bus. (Though the past few days I DID for some reason get up and out at 5:30ish am.??).
There is not the same group of people to talk to, more passing acquaintances at this point, rather than confidants, so I feel no pressing need to rush out there.
Once I am there, since the library is no longer a short walk away, and I have no relationship with the folks at the Giant, or other businesses, I tend to sit longer, rather than wander around the neighborhood. And to be quite honest the 'people watching' is much more enjoyable up, education and genetics make for a good mix!! (this is only an anecdotal observation, but the Orthodox Jewish community [whose presence at this store is proportionally less than at Pikesville] may be damaging themselves genetically by being so clannish, not that they are becoming inbred through unsafe practices, but the insularity due to so many smaller segments that follow different Rabbi's teachings, result in a smaller gene pool to choose from, a kind of 'kosher cloning' And for those who may not know....I am Jewish, though not religious, so this is not a racist comment. The bus runs much less frequently out here and so I have longer travel intervals to go anywhere. Again, I am tending to stay still, and since I had a lot of Starbucks and Giant credit, and I am not doing drugs and have not had the cash to go out and either buy a bottle or go to a bar as often....I have been eating gooooood!!, which brings me full circle, because now I am too full and comfortable.....(read = leave.
And of course the recent depression both feeds on and feeds this cycle.
The whole point of this ramble is that I am coming to a boil as it were, I feel like a dam about to burst or overflow, and I am not sure which is the better option, but it's time to make a move.
NOW the friggin' paradox starts revolving...I listen to some of the conversations of the business people who come in and think 'I know I could do that', and read about things in the paper that folks are doing and creating, and it's the same thing, 'I could and would like to try that', (notwithstanding the training, experience, or documentation requirements at this point)....THEN.. the voices kick in, with all the reasons why not, most times I can argue the point and win.......but what kills me, and I mean in an almost literal sense is the sheer mental and emotional weight that seems to bear down upon me when I attempt to physically make a move to change, if you have not been in this space yourself, the only thing I can say is that those 'Depression Hurts.....EVERYONE' TV commercials are very true and close to reality....BUT, off by a magnitude of at least 10. Ever see a mime trapped in an invisible box, that is a pretty good representation of what it feels like from the inside of my skull.........(minus the white makeup).
So I've got this premonition that somethings about to explode....or implode. I just hope it's not my head.
(The constant thought that hangs over my head, like the Sword Of Damocles, of going back to court on the 30th is not helping.)
It's a entwined and twisted strand forming a Mobeus strip,...I want more, I deserve more, I can get more, but I never will because I'm not worthwhile, and I'm not good enough, so settle for what little I have and be grateful, and carve out a comfortable as possible little niche down in the gutter, but be a good person and something will come through.........and on and on and on, up and down and over and over, until even I get sick of hearing it in my head to the point where doing something stupid to silence it seems reasonable, and then I see Rachel again and I want to do something for her and I get all confident again and make plans......and the whole F*cking cycle begins again!!!!!..........BOOM!
Is it any wonder that I am always exhausted these days.....what I just bitched and moaned about was only the daytime version, the night time show is produced and directed by Wes Craven and George Romero!!!!!!!!!!!
This is first time I've said this in years....
I NEED A BEER....Or three, or five.......I'll see you tomorrow, 'cause now..I'm gonna go figure out a way to liberate a six pack of ice cold adult barley pop from the clutches of the evil liquor overlords.
It's Miller Time.....(or Hammer Time possibly), and I know it won't solve a damn thing, but tough sh*t, I want to get a beer buzz!!
(please send all lectures to my new e-mail... wwww.yadayadayada.idontcare)
,thank you, see you tomorrow.......I hope............Dave
p.s........this is not a pity party...I'm A HAPPY drunk!!
(and if you are reading this on Thursday the quote from Harriet Beecher Stowe is true...)

1 comment:

Neil said...

Dave, you are worthwhile. Take one idea, one small one, and pursue it. Example: You remember my friend from Ireland whom you once met? He hasn't worked in 13 years. No joke. He's flat broke, I mean he was excited to get a $20 check a few weeks ago from a consignment shop. His marriage is miserable. His parents are here, both in Levindanle and failing. His brother is a waste when it comes to help.

Yet, after literally years of my begging, yesterday he put up fliers in coffee shops announcing that he could repair computers and tutor kids in math/science. So it's something. He took that first step. Many more to go, but you start actually in a much better place than him.

You need to physically be sharp so that you can be mentally sharp. Think about what jobs you can do now and I'll try to help you at least get something part time.