Good Afternoon;
Well I'm here at the Towson Library just past 1:30 pm., the first person of the second wave of computer users. There must have been people waiting in line for the library to open today. I know it is usually crowded on Sundays but this is like Friday afternoons at the Pikesville branch.
Anyway, I got to Jenn's around 11:10 am. yesterday morning and spent the day and part of the night there, a lot more time than I had expected. Jenn had thought she would be home around 4:00 or 5:00 pm., with some cash for me, and I was going to head over to the east side of the city, (yes, THAT east side, where all the shootings occur), to see Monkee or Barry and try to find some buprenorphine, since I was totally out, having taken the last quarter of a pill around Midnight (Thursday/Friday). I was going to cook the pork chops I had in the oven and shower, shave, and maybe do a load of laundry while I relaxed in the A/C. That idea went as all plans seem to go when my back is up against the wall and I am both 'putting all my eggs in one basket' AND 'counting my chickens before they hatch', namely...right down the dumper!....lol! I marinated the chops in Sazon Goya Con Culantro y Tomato, water, garlic, and the last few drops of the Newman's Own Sesame and Ginger marinade and put them in the 'fridge. I then sat down for a minute and turned on the TV and watched and dozed in the recliner for the next 3 and 1/2 hours, drifting in and out as the humidity, temperature and dewpoint rose from mildly uncomfortable to miserable. I got up and cooked the pork chops and made a sandwich and ate, and by then it was after 4:00 pm. so I just shaved and washed off and cleaned up a bit in the sink, thinking Jenn would be home any minute and I would then jump on the train downtown and shower when I returned. 5:00 pm.came and went, as did 6:00, 7:00, and 8:00....still no Jenn or Tom. I have no minutes left and Tom had the computer so I could not e-mail her phone. I was started to get concerned when she and the kids, and Tom walked in at the same time. Well I used her phone to call Monkee, who was still tearing the house apart searching for her prescription refill, (which she STILL had not found as of 11:00 am. today), and tried to call Barry, who was out at his brother's for a cookout until much later that night. Now I am pretty confident about traveling most neighborhoods and 'hoods' at night, and have had decades of experience 'copping' what I needed on the streets....but... I was not "ill", and although beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable as the drug left my system, the symptoms were not extreme and a good bit was likely psychological.....'withdrawal memory', I decided to wait until this morning to go looking for more 'bupe', (also partly in fear that I might decide to say "F*ck It!!" and get some dope and coke, part from frustration, and part because the disease of addiction is sly and can twist and squeeze at your willpower until you rationalize away common sense, reality, and sobriety!).
Needless to say, last night the shed was an oven. I really have to find another place to sleep.....soon! I don't remember the shed last summer being THIS miserable, although I guess I was getting in there a good bit later most nights, due to sitting outside at the tables at the St. Thomas shopping center Starbucks until the next to last bus.
While the little battery fan I have does help some to keep me, (or at least parts of me at a time...lol!), cool, it does nothing to air out the shed itself. There is about at least a 20 degree difference between laying down and standing up, and after a night of body heat, breathing and other gaseous emanations, what fiberglass insulation that is left does it's designated job of retaining heat.....of course it does, WHEN THE TEMPERATURE REACHES 90!!!!..........LOL!
Also, as you can imagine, I did not sleep well at all. Between the heat and humidity and the chemical changes going on in my body, (You have to remember, the buprenorphine is a 'dependent' drug that the body gets used to, and requires a period of time known as a "taper" to disengage itself from the tissues gradually. Even though I am doing relatively tiny quantities, the symptoms still manifest themselves.), sleep was elusive at best and absent at worst. I was up at 5:57 am. due to the heat and my back, and some strange and uncomfortable feelings and twinges I have not felt for avery long time, and have no wish or desire to experience again.
I killed time ( for the A/C) at the Giant and riding the train for 3 hours until I could check with Monkee....Nothing!, Damn!....and I was sure Barry would be up. He sometimes has a few 'bupes' and when I would stop and see him after visiting Monkee, he would offer them to me, of course I had already gotten what I could afford, or had no money and was not pressed for them, so I declined every time but one. This morning he did not have any. giving the last one away minutes before I arrived. He went down the street to a place where people gather, the community garden, and asked around but no one there had any. He left word that if anyone showed up with some to please stop by his house. I was getiing ready to leave and was showing my new picture of Rachel, who he had not seen for about a year or so, and was considering his offer of some Methadone, which will also quell the symptoms I was beginning to experience. I really did not want to do this, but my mind was exploiting me fears and most likely exaggerating them too. Right as I was about to take a spoonful, (which is probably one twentieth [1/20th] or less of a 120 milliogram daily dose), some called him from outside and he told me to hold on, he'd pour it when he came back in. Well by the grace of God and somebody wanting a quick $10.00, he walked back in and said 'give me your money', and came back with 2 tablets! I gave him my last $5.00 out of gratitude for taking the time to go to the extra effort of putting the word out and having them come by the house. We used to get high together and I've known him for about 20 years through good times and bad, using and clean. He knows how hard I have been working at this and all about the medical and pain issues I deal with that preclude the use of normal opiate/opiod painkillers, he has some of the same problems, from being shot, and from being visciously beaten (Wrongly!!! too), by the cops to the point of kidney damage..[but that is a story for another time]. In any case I am very grateful that I did not have to resort to doing something that could have led back to active addiction, and the behavior that follows. I could go that route and be living at a much more comfortable level physically and financially, but the mental and moral deterioration are not worth it, nor is the loss of love and respect from those who have believed in and supported me. And most important is the possibility of being separated from Rachel, and Jenn and her family. There is no denying the temptation, but to use the phrase another way....that is exactly what must be done!
So it is 4:15 pm. and I am on my third session her at the computer, I guess I'll close the library at 5:00 pm. and head back out into the record breaking heat & humidity and take the bus to the train to the Mt. Washington Starbucks for a couple hours. I know I'll be sitting around outside for many hours tonight because the shed is going to be only slightly cooler than the ante-room to Hell! If anybody wants to come visit so we can sit in their air conditioned car and talk, or to take pity on poor l'il ole me...sweltering in the muggy misery of another night of breathing air with the temperature and texture of molten lava........and invite me for a shower and or a night inside on a bed/couch/floor...come on over to the First Watch by the Pikesville Giant sometime after 10:00 pm....that's where I'll probably be. I've got a dollar in change I'm going to drop on the Keno, I may have Ice Cold Beer and Powerade to share....lol!
I'll be back early tomorrow, as soon as I can get in to the A/Ced library!
Later...........................Dave
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