"Since my phone still ain't ringing............. I assume it still ain't you"..................."

Good Afternoon;

It's nice outside right now, under the trees in the shade. Hot with a good breeze and the humidity is just starting to climb. It is supposed to be hell by tonight though. I am on my way over to Jenn's to hang out and shower while they all go to the annual Family Picnic.

(Her mother's, [my first ex-wife] side, so I am not an invitee......Of course even when we were married way back when, almost 3 decades ago, I still tried to avoid going. Coming from a family that did not have a relationship with a close and large extended family, I never knew how to handle it, and always felt out of place.....[and the same thing happened with Rachel's mother's family also]...)

Anyway, I spent Thursday night there watching the kids, and stayed on Friday until about 6:00 pm., because Jenn was not feeling well, so I let her sleep and rest as much as possible. I had to go see Monkee after she got home at 8:30 pm. that night so I rode the subway down to Johns Hopkins and back out to Owings Mills 4 or 5 times and read a book just to kill time. We talked for an hour and then I again killed time on the train until midnight when I got off at Old Court Station and caught the bus to the gas station and then went into the shed. It was 3:00 am before I finally got to sleep and then I had a bizarre dream that someone was trying to break through the walls of the shed. I woke myself up because I was making zombie-like moans and groans trying to scare whoever it was away.......weird does not BEGIN to describe the rest of my night and dreams!!!!!

I guess I'll see you all when the library opens Monday, (unless I go to Towson to escape the forecast extreme heat and humidity tomorrow, [Sunday]...) I am going to stop by to see Rachel at her mother's house for a while...I have been told that I will have a homemade, handmade Father's Day gift waiting for me...and I have to see the new paint in Rachel's room, she picked the colors herself she told me....lol. They are back in the house, the clean up people have been there and there is a new roof, and only the finishing work is being done by the contractor now.

One of the lousy things about being on the street is the limited number of places to go when the weather gets unbearable, if you have little or no money. The shelters, the City run 'warming' or 'cooling' centers are not only depressing in their own right, but are filled with people who are hot, (or cold depending on the season), angry, loud, crude, ignorant, and on the edge of violence in a culture and city where violent actions are the norm, whether directed inwards towards family, or outward at both specific and random targets.

One of the things that bothers me, (on a personal level as opposed to the many 'public' irritations.....lol), is that although there are people I can and at times do call and visit to be able to shower and escape the weather for a while, and just catch up and talk, and who are happy and welcoming. A few old friends and some newer friends and acquaintances..... except for Jenn, none of them ever 'initiate the conversation'. I frequently get an invitation when I call, without asking, and at other times I do ask and usually get a positive response. But sometimes it is nice to be on the receiving end of a phone call or an invitation. The isolation and soul sucking loneliness that I deal with unrelated to homelessness is only exacerbated, exaggerated, and aggravated by this. Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming or accusing anyone of anything, and I get quite a few e-mails from folks new and old, and their are a couple people who call occasionally to say hello, but in general, I have to make the first move. The problem is that this whole cycle becomes a perpetual motion device that both feeds on and fuels my depression and anxiety, sometimes to the point that when someone DOES call, I am either too miserable to answer or not fit company to be with. Sometimes I just can't win.........LOL!

Hmmmm, that must have been bubbling and burbling around in my sub-conscious for a while.....add this to the freakshow dreams and the insomnia....yeah, maybe we better NOT go there just now......At least not without protective clothing and a Taser......LOL!!!!

Later.............Dave

P.S. There is a new link on the "Links And Thinks" in the column to your left;

"Homeless In Charm City"

A blog by students at the University Of Maryland At Baltimore, they have me on their 'links'.....so.... 'right back atcha'.....D.