"Reflections on......'ION'-ization........"

Good Afternoon;

Well the holidays are over and I can drop the facade that we put up so as not to spoil other people's good times. I was just so NOT into the season this year. Like a flashlight with weak and fading batteries I could begin to get into the spirit of things, but fade fairly rapidly and slip into darkness, and after a period of time, again put on the cheerful face and happy attitude for a while. It went on for a few weeks in this cycle, finally failing for good over New Years Eve and Day. The time spent with Rachel and Ed and Devin was too much seesawing back and forth between joyful and stressful to be any relaxation at all. Not like my time with Rachel alone over Xmas weekend. Even after Rachel went home and Jenn and Tom and the grandkids went out, leaving me alone in her apartment for 4 or 5 hours, I still could not unwind. I ended up back at the shed about 11:00 pm. Saturday night and could not relax enough to fall asleep until about 3:30 am. After the 3 hours sleep I ended up with on NYE I wanted to sleep all day....

Depression, Agitation, Frustration, Confusion, Exhaustion, Isolation, Indigestion, Confliction, Infection...et.al. And the Lack of Affection, Direction, Motivation, Ambition, Protection, Possesions

But first thing Sunday morning I was up and out at 7:00 am. first to the Giant to pull cash off the card, (it won't swipe anymore and it costs $5.00 to get a replacement...by calling the out of state 'service center', and then having it mailed out, with the usual efficiency and promptness one can expect.....HA!, it took a friend a dozen phone calls and 45 days to get her replacement card, that's why I was freaking out when I thought my card was lost and gone back in November!), and on the bus and out to the Metro to get my monthly disability bus pass then take the train and the bus to Monkee's to get my meds for the month, then back by bus and Light Rail to the coffee shop and Whole Foods for breakfast....about 1:00 pm. by this time. After meeting and greeting a bunch of people who stopped in to say Happy New Year and closing the coffee shop and catching the bus and the bus back to Pikesville, I ended up in the shed around 9:30 pm., read for an hour and fell asleep...aka, passed out...with the lantern on. I woke up about 5:00 am. with an aching back and a bursting bladder and after dealing with one by intake, (of morning meds), and the other by outflow, I went back to sleep and woke up at 12:30 pm., feeling like crap, both itchy and stinky. I called Jenn and asked if I could stop by and shower and caught the 1:05 bus after a high speed dress, pack, and stow. After a cup of coffee and a shower and shave I felt human again, and the post holiday blues sloughed off, leaving me with just the normal clinical depression to deal with. (That's pretty effed up when you re-read that sentence ain't it? When one is happy to return to a state of depression is considered 'normal'?.....Should I LOL!...or COL!...?)

Anyway I really did not feel like going to the library and doing what I am doing now, (and I still don't....but if I let it get too far along without writing....things get worse and seem worse, and that needle starts looking awfully good again. And as much as I want to go there.....I REALLY don't want to go THERE!) So I jumped on the bus from Jenn's and headed over to the Starbucks about 2:45 pm. just before Ed and Tom got home. I ended up eating my first meal of the day about 4:30 pm. after going over to Whole Foods and committing one of the cardinal sins of food shopping....'Shopping While Hungry'. But I did not go too far overboard and the mini baguette was still warm and the bloody roast beef had only been given a brief glimpse of the fire, and the fresh squeezed orange juice mixed so well with the vodka.......so it was well worth it as MY New Years celebration.

I again saw a few folks who were not yet back to school or work who had not been around recently and Allen stopped by, (and he just walked in here too), and we talked for an hour or so. And again I realize how lucky/blessed, (take your pick depending on your theological stand.....lol), I am, even as effed up as my body is. He goes in for a needle in the eye today, eye surgery next week, and on the 31st has his right shoulder replaced. (I told him it will help balance the missing left leg and he laughed...it's a good thing we both have a 'black' sense of humor and an appreciation of the absurd and the ironic!).

We may go the $3.00 movies later this week if there is something decent playing.

I have to call the neurologist to find out why they have not called me with anappointment as they said they would when I stopped in to make one and was told I had to call, and when I called and was told they had the referral and would call me. I also have to get ahold of my paperwork for both court and S.S.A. from Prologue since after a few e-mails and calls I have not heard back from my caseworker. I have court on the 11th, Tuesday and I also need to check on the records JAI sent to the court, I think it was before my last visit to the doctors and does not include the most recent set of tests and referrals...that is tomorrows agenda, so I do not know if I'll get here to the library or not. I have a feeling I'm going to have to go places in person, (based on previous phone results....lol.).

I'm going to talk to Allen for a minute and then head over to the coffee shop and eat. I recieved a bag of breakfast sandwiches last night, 10 sausage egg and cheddar on english muffin, and 6 turkey bacon, egg white, and cheese(?) on whole wheat english muffin. Jenn picked me up after her meeting, actually I walked over after the coffee shop closed and waited outside for 30 minutes and lost feeling in my fingers while she took 'only a minute'......HA!......to come out. (Another thing we both share is this damn Reynauds Disease), and I sent the majority home with her after we finished wandering the Giant as she did her shopping. She's going to put them in the fridge and freezer and I have a few with me for today and some in the shed where it is plenty cold enough to keep them from spoiling. Last night it again got very cold but except for the back problems and getting cold hand and fingers when trying to read, I was comfortable. I have found that part fo the secret to keeping my feet from getting extremely cold and painful is to walk on the blanket in my socks as little as possible before getting in the bag. The one blanket seems to hold and transfer the cold very quickly right through my socks, whether they are dry or wet, warm or cool to start with.

Times up, gotta run

Later....................Dave