"Where's Waldo........."

Good Afternoon;

I ran into an old friend who later turned into a next door neighbor this morning...(Hi D'vora), and that reminded me that with all the new people who I have met who have helped me in so many ways, that there are a few, (a very few), folks from before I ended up on the streets this trip who have still stuck with me and to whom I must also acknowledge a debt of Gratitude to. There is one common thread that links all these people, a pure and untainted strain of non judgemental acceptance, that looks at 'the cake.....not the frosting', to use an expression I heard for the first time yesterday, but which is appropriate here also. They my not like or agree with some of the decisions and choices one makes, but they allow their opinions to be framed by depth rather than superficiality.

So, thanks Mordecai B. and Barry C. and Yitzi, and AnnaMarie and her 3 girls, who have all come through with a meal , or a bath, or a floor, or more importantly, an ear, or a shoulder, or at times, a good-cold-hard dose of needed reality, flavored with compassion, yet not watered down with sympathy. Sometimes that is what I/we on the street need to step back, take a look, and be goaded or prodded into taking that first scary leap off of the precipice, into unknown territory for us......our own fears and motives and denials. Lotta false starts sometimes, but these are the folks who didn't give up, or give in....because they did give a damn.

This is another case where I can only speak for sure of my own experience, but can extrapolate, through conversations with some, and the demented mutterings of others, that in most cases, at one point, there was a crucial person or persons, whose support or lack thereof helped to determine the course their lives went. The degree of change may have been extremely minute at the time, but the change in vector can increase exponentially over a period of years. That one word of encouragement you give, or the chance you create for someone to feel worthwhile and useful. The opportunity to bathe or shave can change one's complete outlook 180 degrees. Do what you can to simply make us feel that we are not simply discarded people, it is not a need to be nticed that can make or break a soul...but the need to be considered "Not Invisible".

I kinda rambled and twisted a bit there...sorry...but I've got a limited amount of 'net time..and a bad case of "male PMS...aka....CRS....'can't remember sh*t!!!'.........(so maybe that wasn't PC..ya gotta admit it's funny......LOL)

We all know the effect(affect?) the weather can have on our mood, imagine if you are the one who has to hole up in a doorway or under a bridge during one of these spring storms for hours at a time, the sheer mindnumbing boredom of waiting, and 'wandering around inside your own head', if you run into someone homeless, who seems capable, a few minutes intelligent conversation can do wonders for one's self esteem, and possibly open up an avenue of escape for someone too.

It's amazing how many people equate homeless with stupid, you'd be surprised I leave folks saying things like but how do you know about...[insert subject]...your homeless?, and then watching the realization dawn that, maybe not everyone out here is 100% out of it...LOL.

Time is runing out...may be back tonight...Dave

Oh Yeah...By the way WE DO NOT KNOW EACH AND EVERY OTHER HOMELESS PERSON OUT THERE!!!!!!......had a woman ask me last night.."Where's Patrick"..and when I told her I do not know him...she got very offended and INSISTED!! that I was lying......LOL!!!

" 2 Physics PhDs walk into a bar, arguing 'Special Relativity Theory', Oh great, says the bartender,"Another Time/Space Pair O' Docs"

Happy Monday;

I was just thinking about some of the sometimes strange, sometimes funny, sometimes ironic, and sometimes sad paradoxes I and others on the street face.

One of which, that you yourself may have come into contact with is the "pre-existing condition" clause in insurance policies, and the differing interpretations, depending on which side of Wall street you live on.

With medical assistance this is sometimes illustrated by the vicious cycle of when an application is filed, in relationship to when the illness is treated...dates are everything.

I deal with the fact almost daily that because I choose not to look like a derelict, I am not believed when telling social workers and others I am homeless, thereby wasting the limited time that is allotted at every meeting.

I am also thinking ahead here, but what do I do when..(NOT if ..WHEN!!), I find a residence.......I really like this blog!!!..LOL

.....

In a somewhat more serious vein, personal relationships can be quite confusing, when one finds someone they care for and who seems to be interested in them, but the feelings of inequality and inadequacy in a possible relationship, due to the (real and/or imagined) inability to 'bring something to the table' in a material sense can be crippling to self-esteem.

Remember the old-fashioned, simple relationships of yesteryear.............

Boy Meets Girl---Boy Loses Girl---Boy Inflates New Girl!!

"Honey, Why are you HISSSSSING at me, Oh Dear, I think our relationship is going FLAT"

I'm sorry, I took a break to answer an e-mail and lost my train of thought, if I can recover it, I'll be back this evening.

It is time to go stand in rush hour traffic, I need laundry money and things like razors and foot powder and deoderant...(refer to above..keywords "not & derelict"...LOL...), I just have to have enough money to survive 'til the 2nd, when I should be able to get some money owed me, and pay off the few small debts I owe. if that does not come through..i must wait until the 7th for my Food Stamps (no cash..but I'll splurge on ONE good meal).

I'd like to say Hello and thank you to a new friend, Laura Adams, of The Cambridge School, in Pikesville, we had lovely talk and discussion about homeless and faith, and the power of belief and it's integral neccessity for positive attitude if one wants to do more than just 'survive'. Yes and you know damn well that I stressed Gratitude and Perception..LOL.

One thing I forgot to mention, Laura, ...Hebrews 11.1..

times up i gotta go............Hi Mary

.............later.....Dave

Slip slidin' away.....or Time AIN"T on my side...."

HEY;

wait all day to get online and get a whole five minutes, to log-on sign-in and say HEY sign-out and log-off.....

WATCH THIS SPACE!!!

SEE YOU ALL TOMORROW...DAVE

"KAT Scratch Fever"

Hello;

If I get nothing else posted to day I want this to go out.....please read it is an important issue and one that has a personal connection, not just another anonymous appeal to your pocket, but real stories about real people.

I met Kat about a year and a half, maybe two years ago as I was standing on the corner of the I83 exit ramp and North Ave. at Mt. Royal, she has a very noticeable car with her trademark Butterfly, and web page address emblazoned proudly on it, so she was easy to spot. At first when she would stop and hand me a dollar it was so overwhelming that this beautiful young woman would take the time to stop and not only pass me some cash, but would take the time to talk and to get to know me. Now "Stoplight Conversations" are necessarily short and tend to extend over a few days, and as the weeks went past I would see her nearly every day and she would stop for a few words, getting quite quickly to a point where she would stop and talk regardless of whether she had a gift for me or not, and the anticipation of just seeing her smile or her wave, if the light were against us, was more of a draw than any money could be. After I saw her work on her website, I was literally blown away, and then I read her story, and her auto biographical notations about her art.

DAMN!!!!!!

I have used this page as forum to express thanks both to known and unknown benefactors, and as a method of maintaining my sanity, and you have responded with compassion, and sympathy, and compliments, and material gifts, well if you can do all that for a 'schmuck' like me, take a few minutes of your life and a few bucks out of your coffee fund and help a heroic and talented young woman fight for those who can't.

(and if you think I've got a 'crush' on her..DAMN SKIPPY!!)

(LOL)

Courtesy Warning:

The next statement is an unabashed "GUILT TRIP ATTEMPT"

"If I can kick out a couple bucks......shouldn't you be able to?"

(LOL)

But Seriously;

The links should work, I'm not sure about the 'jpegs',

read, browse, think.

thank you...............................Dave

P.S....Yesterdays horoscope told me to "Take a trip on the Information Highway".......well every time I got up to speed, I kept getting POP-UP billboards with a little guy in a sombrero and the words "Pedro SEZ"!!

Sorry......Read, for Kat...and 1,400,000 others;

Support Me As I Walk To Cure LUPUS!‏
From:
kat. (katgallery@gmail.com)
Sent:
Sat 3/28/09 1:54 PM
To:
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It's that time again! On Saturday, April 25 I will be walking in the 2009 Baltimore Alliance for Lupus Research (ALR) Walk with Us to CureLupus Walkathon. 100% of all contributions to this event goes tosupport lupus research programs, because the ALR's Board of Directorspays all fundraising and administrative cost. With your help I wasable to raise $1,400 for last years walk. I was diagnosed with Lupus in 2003. A few years ago I started afundraiser called Change Lupus that raises money for the ALR. This ismy second year participating in the walk for Lupus. It was very movingbeing surrounded by people that are going through what I am and peoplethat are walking to make a change. This year I am excited to have myparents and sister in town to walk with me! Recently there have beensome breakthroughs in Lupus research by the researchers that havereceived money from the ALR. So it is great seeing results and knowingour donations are making a difference! I know that money is tight right now but anything you can give whether it be $1, $5 or $20 will be greatly appreciated. It all adds up! Yourgenerous support will help me reach my own fundraising goal, and isessential to the ALR's research program. More information on theAlliance for Lupus Research can be found at http://www.lupusresearch.org/ It is faster and easier than ever to give your support; you can DONATEONLINE by simply clicking on the link at the bottom of this message.Immediately after making your gift, you will receive an email with taxreceipt information. Whatever you can give will help. I greatly appreciate it and will keepyou updated on my progress. Please forward this message to anyone you think would like to support me as I Walk to Cure Lupus! To donate online, visit My Personal Page through the link below.http://walk.lupusresearch.org/site/TR/Events/MDB?px=1624414&pg=personal&fr_id=2062&et=D_2qFpX98YPTfc_P6peiig..&s_tafId=19578 THANKS!!! Kat Rohrbacher http://www.katgallery.net/ Facts About Lupus Systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE, or lupus) is a chronic autoimmunedisease in which a person's immune system mistakenly attacks healthytissue. Lupus can cause life-threatening damage to major organs, such as thekidneys, lungs, heart and central nervous system. Lupus affects people of all ages, including children, but it mostoften strikes between the ages of 15 and 45. Nine out of 10 people with lupus are woman. Lupus is three times more common among African-American woman thanamong Caucasian women, and is also more common among woman ofHispanic, Asian and Pacific Islander descent. Lupus is the leading cause of death among woman with autoimmune diseases. An estimated 1.4 million Americans suffer from lupus, making lupusmore common than leukemia, muscular dystrophy, cerebral palsy,multiple sclerosis and cystic fibrosis. The exact cause of lupus is unknown. No new treatments of lupus have entered the market in decades, andcurrent treatments, such as steroids and chemotheraphy drugs, oftencause debilitating side effects. Lupus has no cure.
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If you stuck with it this far..Good For You!, I'm proud of ya!

NOW...YOU can HELP ME!!!

TO:

"END CELIBACY IN MY LIFETIME"

This is a tax deductible non-profit charity;

INTERVIEWS BEING CONDUCTED DAILY (OR NIGHTLY)

NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY!!

REQUIRED QUALIFICATIONS:

TWO 'X' Chromosomes......and a Pulse!!

g'night all......Dave

to the 'merrywidow';

"call me candybar..I'm half nuts"

"It's My party And I'll Cry If I Want To....."

Good afternoon;

A few posts back I advertised for a mentor, I am modifying the job description to "KEEPER"..or.."MINDER"...how about "SUPER NANNY"? I just can't seem to get my ass moving today, and when I do start stumbling on I can't seem to get out my own way.

It has reached 'critical mass' here at 'meltdown central', out of meds, out of money, out of food except for a jar of peanut butter and a spoon, hell I'm down to my last pair of socks and undies..LOL, out of deoderant, and I am out of ENERGY!!!, and I've reached my self imposed credit limit for my meds, so I GOTTA!! hit the streets and hustle up some bucks, but I just don't feel like doing anything. Tired, achy, irritable, sore, and I've being visited by Montezuma..and he's not in a good mood either!!...Yeah, Yeah...T.M.I...but it's my blog, and you've got an off switch....LOL...

DANGER WILL ROBINSON>>CAUTION>>CAUTION>>MOOD SWING!!

INTERESTING WEB SITE ALERT:

www.sacredmirrors.org/mirrors_view.html

if you are interested, google--- Alex Grey Sacred Mirrors, check out the videos by a Phil Alloco..(?spelling) on myspace and youtube...very cool stuff

gotta go..DAVE

UNASHAMED PLUG FOR A FRIEND

Don Caplan is going to be 82 years old in about a week, he's been working at Brooks Brothers Men's Clothiers for 27 years. He still goes to work every day at The Gallery at Harborplace, partly because of the desire to keep being active and useful and partly because the economy tanked and so did most of his retirement fund. Hea has befriended me almost as son at times because his own daughter and son-in-law, (or it may be the reverse), passed away within a year of each other, a few years ago, and his grandson is in Florida, right now. He is a great guy, intelligent, witty and very compassionate, and treats my homelessness as just another fact of life, and not as some "moral failing" or "social disease", and boy do I get enough of that. We meet at Starbucks a few mornings a week and just talk, he has unquestioningly and willingly loaned me a couple dollars on occasion, and is quite gracious in his understanding.

If you or anyone you know is about to buy a good suit or wants some clasic and classy clothing, please give him and his firm a thought. This is my way of expressing my gratitude and appreciation for a true gentleman, and an honest and aboveboard salesman. Pass it on...Pay it forward.

All Right I'm OUTTA HERE, time to go "rely on the kindness of strangers" like Blanche DuBois...wish me luck.......thanks for your indulgence, back tomorrow..........DAVE

p.s........Immodium....just as good as THE U.S. Marines.......

(and for those who are saying..HUH?......,"From the Hall of Montezuma......")

OY!!!---"REVENGE" OH..NOW you get it....Sheeesh....LOL....

And GO OUT RIGHT THIS MINUTE and BUY a copy of

'When Do We Eat'

it's almost Passover already!!

and to my Christian friends...remember, the Last Supper WAS a seder!!

to anyone of any other sect, belief, or religous persuasion, it's a funny and touching movie, 'try it you'll like it!'.......dbc

okay..rent it if you must

"The 'KEYBOARD' Has Been Drinking, Not ME.....or..Bad Liver And A Broken Heart..."

Good Morning;

It's drizzly, and coldish, and gray, and I'm listening to Tom Waits.(Small Change).

I'm in a slightly melancholy mood, (but in a good way...LOL, I've got the 'Golden BB' locked back away.), and his music expresses all the hurts and loneliness and lost dreams of the disenfranchised and disenchanted in a way that is both creative and empathic, with a touch of irony and satire, and a sly humor. All while melding folk in the Dylanesque style with rock, blues and jazz,-cool, hot and bebop. I dig him...does it show...LOL.

So we went to the Circus last night, and it was a blast, Rachel was thrilled and only a wee bit bored at the more adult segments, (she also did not get to have a nap that afternoon), and was, as always, a joy and a pleasure to take out. I know everyone's own kid is always the best, but having also a 28 year old daughter, a 4 year old grandson, 4 stepkids, from 10 to 16 yrs. old, and having helped to raise a half dozen other kids over the years, I can objectively state, this is one amazing little girl/young lady!!

As we were on the Light Rail heading intown, we saw the homeless guy who lives in the small patch of scrub trees between the tracks and the hill where the old Union Station (now part of MICA) is, [on your left side if you are facing forward on the train]. This poor soul is one of those whose mental illness and/or addictions keeps them on the streets. He sleeps/lives under/in a pile of cardboard boxes and blankets about 2 feet high, open to the weather, so that the whole mess is in a constant state of deterioration..(kind of like my vertebrae and disks...but that's a future post...LOL), occasionally it is cleaned up and discarded by the city trash crews, but he just starts accumulating more, and the layers begin again. Well Rachel saw this and I proceeded to explain how he had mental issues, (in age appropriate language for a 5 year old), and she comes out with, in the most matter of fact fashion, "Why doesn't he get a tent" and tells me all the advantages a tent would have, and I told her how someone would probably take it away or steal it or just destroy it. She told me how wrong that was, and asked if we could bring him a blanket one day. This child is the most compassionate and generous little person who I have ever met....what a wonderful creature she is, how blessed I am!..more soon...Dave

BACK

I then had to explain some of the 'economic realities' of homelessness and touch on some of the mental issues of folks on the street, while letting know that I was in a safe (relatively, as you know, but I did not elaborate, obviously), place at night, and she pops out.."Starbucks!", well I had to grin and tell her no, that's where I am in the daytime, mostly, and she adds.."or the library!"; (with proud smile and puffed out chest...he says..) "this kid is so smart, and what a grasp of concepts and relationships!!!"....

When the sh*t gets deep and the pressure is beyond anything you can imagine, SHE is the thing that makes me take that next breath, no matter how much I don't want to. ?Comprende?

Okay..Did anyone see one of the lead stories in today's New York Times, and the related sidebar piece? It was about the 'tent cities' in Fresno and Sacramento California, that Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is planning to move. So many journalists, politicians, and so called 'do-gooders' have been to see and more importantly to them 'be seen', that many of the homeless have already left to find other places because of the "sightseers". As one of them said,"We just want to be left the hell alone!". The articles illustrated the plight of those who have found a way to cope in a relatively civilized manner and the resulting dual complications of celebrity and notoriety. There are the predators and the NIMBYites. There are the 'reformers' who want to move, 'sanitize' and control everyone. The article also illustrated the vast array of people who are living in these 'Hoovervilles', from so many more walks of life than you may think. There are some photos of some of the creative and comparatively clean and comfortable, "SHACKS" folks have constructed. And some of the solutions that realistic and practical groups and organizations have come up with, sanctioned by the gov't, or not.

Independence, poverty, dignity, necessity, cleanliness; Hey I have been saying for a long time, these concepts, words, ideals, ways of living, are NOT! mutually exclusive. One of the things I have been trying to say is NOT every homeless guy asking for money is going to spend it on drugs or alcohol, in some cases, we fall through the social services cracks because we are that little bit too sane, or not crazy (that's a medical shorthand) enough. In some cases the bureaucratic bullsh*t involved in applying (hmmmm...2 to 3 automatic denials built into the system, think it is planned that way to make people discouraged and quit the process,[notwithstanding the times paperwork gets "lost" and has to be resubmitted, with the attendant additional time lag incurred] thereby relieving the gov't of having to payout???? NAH.... not OUR Social Security system....those 270,000...no that is not a mistype...backlogged cases are just a coincidence....) is not worth the eventual {if Any}(been there! DOING that!) payoff. In some cases the hoops one is required to jump through, (in many cases having nothing at all, in any way to do with the circumstances of the situation...anecdote: one woman--56 years old, single, never married, no intention to adopt, AND PHYSICALLY AND MEDICALLY UNABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN, was FORCED to take 26 weeks of pre-natal and motherhood classes) after being approved. And get this, on occasion there are charges deducted. Now let me be clear here I am not talking about vocational training or job preparedness seminars or life-on-your-own type classes where applicable, but let's be real about it. People with no history at all of ANY drug or alcohol issues, (or even Family members with histories), being assigned to rehab classes, often at locations and times that conflict with other mandatory sessions, and miss one and say 'bye-bye' to any assistance you were going to receive. Now some of these things I have heard and to be honest, 'overheard', I take with a grain of salt, and consider the source; but even discounting 50% of them, I've listened to too many peoples horror stories at D.S.S. offices and on the bus and train to not believe that there is a 'motherlode' of truth running through the aggregate stories.

Maybe you can get a feeling for why some of us without homes and who choose not to 'partake' of the bounteous accommodations of shelters, soup kitchens and missions, do so choose. The same for why some have given up on pursuing claims, or (on this subject I have personal experience) are physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted from filling out the same forms over and over and over again, and answering the same questions, and hitting the same brickwalls face first, and needing.."just ONE more piece of documentation, because we 1- forgot to ask; 2- can't find a record of receiving it, a) you never gave it to us....and when a receipt of acceptance is produced..b) some other dept. must have misplaced it..NEVER..'I'm sorry we lost it'.; 3- it has expired;" until one says "F*CKIT!!" and in some cases returns to a life of doing what is neccessary to get by, Or, for others self-medicating to avoid pain, sometimes for the first time, sometimes as an old friend..(notice that did not say a GOOD friend!) {* see below}. In some cases crime is the response.({*} again been there, done that, had the free vacation, got the tee shirt....don't wanna repeat the adventure, thank you very much.....[just came to me..one of the reasons I have been leery to go out and hit the corner with my sign is that I do not want to become embroiled in a confrontation with the "nasty foreign lady cop", I am not doing 2 things again in this life...One is going through withdrawal!!!, the Other is going back to Central Booking, just 'ain't a gonna happen!' (If either situation ever becomes unavoidable...there is always the 'Golden BB'....Don't send flowers, make a donation to a reputable charity with a low overhead, or give it direct to a homeless person you have befriended and consider responsible, in my name...and I want my organs donated for transplant, and those that are too far gone, well burial at sea, by way of being chum works...have a deep sea fishing trip wake for me..I'll supply the bait!). It's 3:30 already, and I came in here 4 hours ago for 20 minutes........sheesh...I'll see ya if I get back on tonight, if not...tomorrow............Dave

"Bread and Circuses"

Welcome Ladies and Gentlmen, Boys and Girls, and Children of all Ages;

Well we are on our way to the Circus, this is a First for Rachel! I went to the box office last night and they ahd just closed (5 minutes early!!), so i checked online for ticket availability, and there were the seats I wanted at 9:00 pm., when I checked this morning there were only scattered singles, nowhere near one another, (insert appropriate curse words here), so I went down at 10:00 anyway on a wing and a prayer...no luck, so I got the next best available and lucked out, third tier, but right on the rail, and the aisle, and I've got a few bucks left to buy Rachel a treat...(NOT!! at the Arena...I'm not Madoff). I felt good, and it was early so I stopped off on the corner of 83 and North Ave. for 2 hours and picked up $20.00, ($2.75 in the first hour and a half...$17.25 in the last 30 minutes...I was about to leave, when I said to myself..'SELF', "Don't quit before the miracle happens"..one of NA's aphorisms.or is it adages??, Glad I stayed........oops time up.

Back tomorrow with a review..Dave

"Paper Trail"

Hey;

Real quick shout-out here to Kevin Cowherd of the Baltimore Sun, thanks to his kindness and friendship, I am able to take Rachel to the Circus tomorrow, (Wed.) night at a price I can afford, half price seating. He offered to buy me tickets and I requested that he agree to make it a loan, I mean I'll take money with no problem, with no qualms about being a gift or donation, for food or shelter or medical neccessities, etc., but for pure entertainment, and when I can actually have an honest expectation of acquiring the amount in a reasonable time frame, it's a matter of dignity and self respect to reimburse. We finally got to meet, and I gotta tell ya folks...he's much prettier in person...that newspaper picture adds 10 pounds and does not do him justice....(or mercy)....LOL..later....Dave

"Home On The STRANGE..."

Shalom;

So.. God has a sense of humor...just keep watching my horoscopes!!!

PISCES: 3/24/09

There's no place like home. Maintaining the roof over head should be top priority.

"Check your downspouts or rearrange the furniture,"

While you enjoy an exacting eye for detail and beauty.

Cute..real cute!.....LOL

Well, I took a rake and scraped 3 bags of assorted YECCHH and rotting insulation out, and unfolded a bunch of Starbucks boxes and stacked some for a mattress, and laid out others end to end along the length of the shed as a 'corrugated carpet'. As for downspouts, there is one fairly steady leak when it rains, so I have a piece of metal shelving wedged at an angle between the roof and a wall, in a 'Rube Goldberg'/'MouseTrap' setup, funneling the runoff down between a sheet of cardboard and a gap in the wall....so much for detail...beauty...HAH!

back later......I think...........Dave

"OH..What A Difference A Day Makes.........."

Good Morning;

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, I'm still breathing, and you are still hear reading this......not too shabby a way to start another day.

Especially after the way I felt yesterday, it took me about 10 straight hours of constant mental and emotional struggle to just keep from exiting this vale of tears. There was no overwhelming or overt reason that I can identify for these feelings, just a sense of all encompassing despair and a general aura of futility surrounding me. This was exacerbated by the physical realities of my homelessness and the conjunction of usually non-concurrent events that happened to align, ie., NOT having seen Rachel in a few days, and not being able to get ahold of her mother, because of Shabbos; being 100%, totally out of all money and down to the last dollar of Food Stamps, and no foreseeable options in the Immediate future of acquiring any funds legally or ethically, other than panhandling, (which I have been trying to avoid as much as I can, even on some of those days where I left you, gentle reader, with the intention of going out to 'the side of the road' changing my mind en route); needing to bathe, and unable to hook up with any of my regular 'shower spots', for various reasons; having taken my last dose of medication, and although I was covered for at least 24 hours, the mental stress resulting from worry about whether I would be able to find ways and means to resupply before my "grace" period expired; having such a sinus headache that breathing through my nose was painful; physical pain in my back and side from old injuries and surgeries, a few consecutive nights of insomnia and sleep apnea issues, and hitting bottom in a recurring depressive cycle along with an anxiety cycle peak; and I was constipated..[don't laugh, its no fun!.....one day, ask me about how all the parts of the body decided who would be 'boss'];...my Qi was out of alignment;..you get the picture..(hell I don't doubt that Sunspots were flaring, my moon was in Jupiter and a foot was up Uranus...LOL..ouch...sorry), ...I had even dropped so low as to nearly have lost my sense of humor...almost, but not quite, Thank God. Add to all this, the fact that I could find no one to talk to who knew me well enough, and I could not get online to write. it all added up to a "BAD DAY!!!", I mean I have felt like giving up before, but have been able to fairly easily,(in varying degrees), 'wait it out'...."this too shall pass"....etc.. But yesterday was the first time in a real, real, long time where I actually considered a plan of action and ways to implement it, and materiel and logistics.

The edge of the abyss, and the view into the chasm, can be hypnotizing in and of itself, trapping one into an ever decreasing spiral, where the choices become fewer and fewer and narrower and narrower, ask an airplane pilot about being in a flat spin below a certain altitude, it gets to a point where neither pulling out OR ejecting are any longer viable options.........sometimes a freak wind or current can mean the difference between crashing and burning and just crashing......and it is said that "Any landing you can walk away from is a good landing".

Well obviously I'm here, though by a margin as fine as frog's hair..(I've always wanted to use that metaphor)..Thank you God, for Rachel's sake which is the only thing that has kept me from 'opting out' on so many occasions, but yesterday, there was a lot of..'better off without me' bouncing around in my head...

So, I hear you saying enough already with the philosophical crap, what happened and why?, I had reached a point of 'neutral buoyancy' , where the next influence on me negative or positive could sway the balance, and I felt very light, floating like a feather in a breeze with a sense of calm acceptance for whatever may come, and just about when I reached, (achieved?) this zen-like state I looked up and saw my, recently arrived in Baltimore, friend Chris, who was outside smoking a cigarette, I stepped outside and we said our hellos and he asked if I was OK, not wanting to 'leave' the space my mind was in I just mentioned my sinus headache, and he immediately offered me the use of his shower, with the object being the steam would soothe the sinuses and help with the pressure, I accepted and we walked the half mile or so down the street to his apt. , after showering and dressing in a completely fresh outfit, I felt better enough to talk out my problems and feelings a bit with him, as he and I share some of the same issues and thereby have a connection. We then walked to the library, where, LO and Behold, who runs up to me smiling and jumps into my arms............'nuff said??

While the day was no picnic after that,(they, Rachel, her siblings and the EX were on the way out), it became bearable and the intense "pressure" that was encompassing me seemed to lessen, (it felt as if I was only wading through Jello, as opposed to before when I seemed to be trying to swim in molten lava). The day passed, I sat outside on the 'verandah'(the 'h' is intentional, ya gotta say this word with a Dixie accent...right Scarlett?), and watched darkness rise to meet the sky, and slowly balance with the darkness in my soul, I sat there for about 3 hours, until I got cold and crawled in the shack to sleep. I awoke, if not cheerful, AT LEAST, not morbidly depressed, and with the sunrise and the arrival of Lynn, who I met as we both walked in at the same time, who bought me a cup of coffee, and slipped a $5 bill in my hand before I even realized what she was doing, (and of course with a breath of her trademark cologne, "HAPPY", not sure who it's from), the day was about 500% improved over yesterday. So, here we are, after a flurry of e-mails with Mary, and an exchange of thoughts with Michelle, I'm stable, and in a safe if not ecstatic, state of being. Oh yeah, and I've got a couple of days worth of meds waiting to be picked up, thanks to Monkee's kindness, grace and patience.

Also, Deena, who is a LCSW...(?), is supposed to bring me some info about her company/organization (not real clear who they are yet), about some 'bupe' programs, counseling, and possibly housing and vocational help.....we shall see what we shall see....

Well..still broke, still homeless, still crazy, still got a sense of humor, still fighting.

This is a bit of 'mental masturbation' from yesterday, reusing some old images:

(have fun)

SCHIZOPHRENIC FEVER DREAMS

WHIRL WITHIN MY BRAIN

GLIMPSED LIKE FACES OF THE DEAD

THROUGH THE WINDOWS OF A TRAIN

SPINNING SPEEDING IMAGES BLURRED BY A FOG OF PAIN

HALF REMEMBERED FRAGMENTS

OF HALF FORGOTTEN CONVERSATIONS

SILENT SCREAMS SO DEAFENING

MUTELY CRYING OUT FRUSTRATIONS

UNHEARD PLEAS AND PROMISES AND UNQUIET DESPERATION'S

PRESENT PAST AND FUTURE TENSES

A KALEIDOSCOPIC DAZE

LEAVE ME SHAKEN SHOCKED AND REELING

IN A HALLUCINOGENIC HAZE

LOST WITHIN THE PATHWAYS OF A PSYCHOTROPIC MAZE

METAPHYSIC MADNESS RULES

IN AN IMAGINARY REIGN

OF LOOKING GLASS DUALITY

IN MENTAL ILLNESS'ES DOMAIN

LEAVING YET UNANSWERED THESE QUESTIONS THAT REMAIN

AM I FOR REAL.....................................................

ARE YOU FOR REAL........................

OR

ARE WE BOTH INSANE

dbc--3/22/09

HI;

I realize that this post and some others are 'all about me' but a lot of the issues that are my personal 'hells' affect a huge segment of the homeless population, who may not have my language, (such as it is) to express themselves, nor the access to the technology that allows me to indulge my ego and mask my screams for help with humor and irony. I am asking you to keep an open mind even if you keep a closed wallet (and that is NOT a dig or a jab), if you are reading this far, you obviously have compassion for us, (or the same type of fascination with this train wreck I call a life, that causes rubberneck bottlenecks and backups at the scene of a nice bloody car crash....LOL), and hell we all are aware of the economic times.

Please just try not to be nasty or rude the next time someone asks you POLITELY for change or help, (but ignorance deserves nothing in return of course...and agressiveness SHOULD be policed, assholes are assholes...rich, poor, white, black, purple, homeless or not!!), if you opt not to give anything material, you can always give a man some dignity for free, just by acknowledging, his/my/our humanity. Thank You and thanks for reading, I hope I can entertain and every once in a while, inspire you to reach out to another in some way.

...............................Dave

and if any one wants to reach out to help me complete my collection of FAMOUS AMERICAN HERO ENGRAVINGS....I am still accepting Franklins, Grants, Jacksons, Lincolns, Hamiltons, Washingtons(sets of 5 ).....actively seeking donations of, McKinleys, Clevelands, Madisons , and Chases....If you can find me a Woodrow Wilson----I'll consider having your baby......Dave

!!!!!Special Offer!!!!!

Identify the above references and you get to have lunch with me....(you also get to buy.....I'm homeless remember!)

HEY..I just looked at my hitcounter...by the time I check it later, I'll have had 700 visitors...WOW...and Damn....that is both gratifying and humbling...that so many of you read this..and so many 'keep coming back' as we say in the rooms.

If you are number 750 and you write me and identify yourself, I'll buy,(or acquire somehow...... you guys like 'possum), [Texan joke....what's the first step in preparing an armadillo...number one you gotta scrape it off the road!!], lunch...{preference given to folks of the female persuasion who live in tropic or sub-tropic climes, on or near a beach....so shoot me...I'm a Single guy!}........Dave

Lead Poisoning

It's been one of those days'

the best thing I can say is that I chose NOT to "EAT" the "Blue Steel Special" at the S&W Cafe..........

Tomorrow.........Dave

"Position Available...Apply Within........"

Yeah, It's me again, I really have to get my own laptop and WiFi hookup, or find a 24/7 library somewhere....

So again with the horoscopes...not that I REALLY believe in astrology...but.....sometimes the messages are to timely to ignore..

PISCES: 03/21/09: Saturday

Meet with a Mentor who has MENSA qualifications. Hook up with someone who is not only intelligent but who has a passion to succeed and a little of that devotion to succeed may rub off on you.

Now for the longest time I have been looking for a Mentor, all my life I have wanted to have a Sensei, an "Angel", a "Rabbi", a "Mother Hen",a sage, a "Den Mother", a "Stage Mother", a "Godfather", an adviser, a "Guru", a "guardiem ad litem", a "Guiding Light", a "GuildMaster", an "elder Statesman", or any of the other terms or euphemisms used in politics, academia, medicine, Broadway, Hollywood, or the military. To "sit at the feet of the Master" as it were....you know..."Wax on....Wax off...", to be a Renaissance Man version of the 'Karate Kid',(or for the more violent of you...Jean Claude VanDam in 'Bloodsport"); soaking up knowledge and ability without realizing it, learning by doing, until I became the heir apparent by default, through the unseen hand of an intellectual 'personal trainer'....and of course attaining a fit and flexible body in the process of doing all the repititious 'zen' exercises to teach me patience and control.........LOL. Okay i went a little silly there but really, i have always wished for a "teacher" in the classic sense. To be an apprentice, like in all the novels of wizardry, and in ancient Chinese and Japanese martial arts tales of warrior monks, hell even like to be the begging boy Kipling's ..."KIM" (to bad he was such an Anti-Semite)..(Kipling..not Kim), {you know now that I realize it...Robert A. Heinlein's "Citizen of the Galaxy" copies a good deal of that plot}...[and Jim DiGriz in Harry Harrison's "Stainless Steel Rat" series starts out looking for a mentor, although 'The Bishop' is a criminal mastermind......(hmmmm now there is an idea....LOL).......but teaches himself].

Okay...Okay..enough goofiness right..!

BUT SERIOUSLY...fill out an application, I'll get back to you...

DAVE

Variations on a theme......

"Hello America, How are you?...Don't you know me?...I'm your native son...."

I was talking to some folks last night, a group of older men, mostly, who like myself, did not fall into any easily categorized niche of "HOMELESS", yes there were some issues of addiction, or alcoholism, and some 'mental and/or emotional' trauma, illness, disease, and/or disabilities, and some physical and age related problems, but no ONE defining or exclusive "catch-all" that could explain why and how they/we are currently on the streets...except a knowledge and awareness of our desire for some modicum of independence and control over our lives, even at the expense of a certain level of comfort or convenience.(..which is at a different point for each individual....homeless and derelict are not always mutually inclusive..it can be a CHOICE!!!). There were those who had been in the military, in prison, institutionalized, worked all their lives, never kept a job, never left Baltimore City, traveled the world, always had a house, never paid rent.....all intermixed with the aforementioned 'issues'. Nobody was 100% disabled, physically or mentally....but there were some cases of 'morally handicapped'....(I'll exercise my Fifth Amendment rights...thank you........LOL). A major similarity in all of us (and I have found, in a great number of 12 step group participants), was a feeling of 'not belonging' or always being on the 'outside looking in', even when life was good, way down deep sometimes, but always present. To quote 'Waylon Jennings' from "Momma's Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys".......:"They're never at home and they're always alone...even with someone they love..". When I crawled into my hidey-hole to sleep, a memeory kept trying to surface, and in the daylight (and what a beautiful day it is becoming) this came to mind, an old favorite of mine, over 100 years old but still apropos.

The Men That Don't Fit In

There's a race of men that don't fit in,

A race that can't stay still;

So they break the hearts of kith and kin,

And they roam the world at will.

They range the field and they rove the flood,

And they climb the mountain's crest;

Theirs is the curse of the gypsy blood,

And they don't know how to rest.

If they just went straight they might go far;

They are strong and brave and true;

But they're always tired of the things that are,

And they want the strange and new.

They say: "Could I find my proper groove,

What a deep mark I would make!"

So they chop and change, and each fresh move

Is only a fresh mistake.

And each forgets, as he strips and runs

With a brilliant, fitful pace,

It's the steady, quiet, plodding ones

Who win in the lifelong race.

And each forgets that his youth has fled,

Forgets that his prime is past,

Till he stands one day, with a hope that's dead,

In the glare of the truth at last.

He has failed, he has failed; he has missed his chance;

He has just done things by half.

Life's been a jolly good joke on him,

And now is the time to laugh.

Ha, ha! He is one of the Legion Lost;

He was never meant to win;

He's a rolling stone, and it's bred in the bone;

He's a man who won't fit in.

Robert W. Service

1/16/1874-----9/11/1958

Okay, I have to sign off now, I'm going to try for more time later.......I've got an ironic funny story to tell.................Dave

Allright, I'm back again;

So I'm sitting in Starbucks the other day and a recent friend is telling me how she has just gotten approval to contract for structural repairs and improvements on her home from an insurance company, and she is looking for a reputable architect/contractor/builder to do the job. We are talking about a major renovation due to tree and wind and water damage on an Eastern Shore waterfront home. The approval is up to $170,000!!! with conditional additional monies available for presently unseen non-cosmetic damage. This does not include replacement costs and collateral damages to other parts of the house or grounds or vegatation!!! (The house is currently worth about 2.5, with a estimated "re-build" cost of at least double, so repairs of thus magnitude are warranted). Anyhow I tell her of these 2 saleman/estimators for an architectural design firm from Owing Mills, (with an award winning national reputation, and also very much praised for their ethics and tactics......yeah I know...but it's true), who stop in for coffee and some sort of weekly meeting. We nod and say hello, one guy usually shows up first and we exchange a few pleasantries, neither one of them aware I am on the streets. So I figure I'll introduce both parties, and let my friend and her husband maybe save few bucks and some time in getting their house repaired, that's it, nothing in it for me, off the top, the bottom, front end or back end, just my usual, "helping out someone else when I won't even get out of my own way" mode...LOL. Well turns out one of the reps. is a real asshole, (it's okay kids..I used it in a sentence...LOL), and when I say, "Excuse me...." and break into their conversation to attempt to throw some business their way, gets very rude and arrogant, asking if I work here, is it my house, what business is it of mine, what is my connection, why am I carrying a sleeping bag...etc...etc.. I try to explain i am just helping someone out..and he says..."We don't need help from bums off the street"...[Direct Quote]. His partner tried to make peace and intervene, and the first guy just went off about 'lock'em all up' 'all homeless are trash'...and so on...this is a college educated man with advanced degrees and a mid six figure income, whose business is supposed to be 'people'.

Well my friends went off on him, big time, in the process telling him about the work they wanted to have an appraisal on. The other fellow meanwhile pulled off to the side, apologizing profusely, I said to him, 'You have no reason to apologize, and you cannot control another's narrowmindedness', he said he felt real bad any way and bought me a cup of coffee. In the meantime, my friends had reduced Mr. Potato Head to a pile of 'pommes frites'...(they are of the French Canadian Persuasion...LOL), and were in the process of walking out. The second design rep. came over and apologized to them also, saying that he knew that they would not be choosing his firm, but to please consider them for possible future needs and he would discount all work. My friends asked him about the companies comission structure and questioned him on some other business, financial, and legal concerns relating to a contract, and signed a letter of intent right then and there with the provision the Mr. Potato Head, would in no way be involved, and in no way would profit from their patronage, other than normal corporate profit sharing, etc....(did I neglect to mention they both do Contract Law for the feds???.....LOL), all this time within sight and earshot of.. you know who!!, who was getting greener and greener as he watched a five figure commission, not to mention bonus and incentive monies slip away....and let's not forget the complaint that is going to be made to his corporate masters, and a letter of discontent with his 'unprofessional behavior' to the AIA....ouch...I almost feel sorry for this guy.............nah......'eff 'im..I'll write off being insulted...I'm not yet spiritually advanced to be able to smilingly and understandingly endure an unprovoked and undeserved attack. I am still grateful that I was too stunned and shocked at the absurdity of it all to just deck him, i mean the poor dumb bastard was actually spitting and spraying in his rage...????...time is up...bye...............Dave

Springboard....

Welcome spring;

This is the time of year I feel most alive, all the cliche's are true; rebirth, renewal, fresh starts, second chances, rejuvenation, redemption,

and their corollaries; freedom, exodus, salvation, re-dedication, forgiveness, atonement. It is, for me, a period of grace, to regroup, review, revise, and sometimes to retreat.

My horoscope in today's (3/20/09) Baltimore Sun:

PISCES:

You can't make progress with the brakes on. Temporary frustrations experienced might be due to your own headstrong ways. Take time out from hectic schedules to assess situations.

Also, on the comics page, in one of the characters of the comic "For Better Or for Worse'" is told 'you've had your wings clipped so long, you've forgotten how to fly'

[Awright Neil, how'd you manage to get THAT! stuff inserted....HMMM?]

I was sitting next to 2 young ladies in the Starbucks this morning, and they were working on a thesis paper for their Masters in Social Work degrees,and we got into a discussion about how some of the issues that face people in a hospice are the same as those facing those of us on the street,(at this point they were not aware that I was homeless), some key words: Empowerment, Autonomy, Independence, Control, Freedom, and Self Determination.....another one of those "coincidences"?

If anyone reading this ended up with a Facebook invitation, that is the result of curiousity and cluelessness, and "one click too far" of the mouse. If I had had any idea of how annoying the e-mail invitations are (never having received one...hmmm... gotta think on that...LOL), I never would have played around with it...BUT...a bright note in all this is that I finally found someone I have been looking for and miss very much, my friend Janet, former proprietor of Funks Democratic Coffee Spot...(R.I.P.)...the coolest cafe' and coffee shop in Baltimore in it's time, and my former employer, confidant and confessor, advisor, landlord, fellow poet and artist, cooking teacher in the vegan and vegetarian style, and friend. So, I'm sorry, but not THAT sorry...LOL.

Okay...go to Rhapsody.com, or wherever you get you online music fix, and check out.."Israel Kamakawio'ole".... or not, he's not for everyone.

Latest entries in the don't sweat the small stuff, but appreciate the little blessings list, I ran a Netflix envelope to the post office for Susie at Starbucks just to be nice, and when I get back, there's a frsh coffee and a breakfast sandwich awaiting me, unlooked and unasked for. I mentioned to Neil that I wanted to scrape out the floor of theshed I am sleeping in, and this morning he brings by a rake and garbage bags. I have been broke this past week, and just enervated and un-motivated, and was about to run out of meds, Monkee says don't worry about it now, you'll catch up when you can, it's more important to keep on keeping 'clean'. And of course, the usual, just attempting to be a decent and helpful person, cleaning up the tables or emptying the trash, carrying a box, or opening the door..etc., and going to pay for a coffee or a pastry and having someone say..'I've got that, it's on my tab.', or coming back in to find a bag of 'mark outs' on my table.

It takes remembrance of the little things to keep up the gratitude and perspective to pass through those days like yesterday, when it seems that nothing is constant but the pain.

I hope to get on online Saturday...but it depends on the crowd here...later........Dave.

Oh yeah..another country checked in...Poland...wow, I'm a "MULTINATIONAL"!!!..LOL

and multicolored too..like the new header, is it bright or what!!

"Tears Of A Clown.........When There's No One Around........."

Good Morning;

I'm having one of those days where I have so many thoughts and ideas tumbling around in my head but I cannot seem to get them organized into coherent sentences, or sometimes even into phrases. Besides the fact that I was with Rachel for a while at the Starbucks yesterday afternoon, and we sat on the floor at the Giant by the discounted book bin, reading, as her mother shopped (our favorite was " 47 Beavers on The Deep Blue Sea"...could not resist that title....LOL), and then went over to the ex'es house for a shower and laundry, and then got caught up reading and answering e-mails, and then commenting on some other people's blogs....I had the same case of 'mental manana' , and could not get focused enough to post anything worthwhile.

I don't know if it is just a case of Spring Fever, or the oncoming dip in my cycle of depression, the stress of being broke again and out of meds, (just ran out this morning), a growing sense of (mild) uneasiness that is arising from the looming closure of 'my' Starbucks..(end of the month..or sooner, with maybe only 24 hours notice as to the exact day), and the uncertainty of where to re-locate (most likely- St. Thomas (in Owings Mills...NOT the Virgin Islands...damn it...LOL), the test results i am expecting momentarily, or mere procrastination. I say mere but truly at times it has been the bane of my existence, combining with depression and anxiety to become a debilitating paralysis. In talking with others (living on the street) I have heard some very similar stories of plans made, and appointments scheduled, things that I/they really wanted and/or needed to accomplish or acquire, and the next morning, not being able to follow through, sometimes getting all the way to the location, sometimes even making it into the waiting areas. Once I had spent 45 minutes filling out forms getting more and more depressed at my own answers and the picture I saw of my life, that I got so badly discouraged, I walked out almost in tears.

Sometimes the sheer embarrassment of revealing the failures of a life that our time lines present on paper can cause a physical reaction akin to nausea, with all the related symptoms. The emotional and mental wounds of a lifetime, whether self-inflicted or not, are often thinly veiled and easily (and in some cases frequently) re-opened, and we allow them to be poked and prodded and filled with salt, to either fester and suppurate, or to constantly sting and burn, in both situations preventing true healing (or growth of new 'spiritual tissue'), 0r reconciliation and rehabilitation...........and the reality, (and if one examines the situation objectively, the terrible waste humanity, productivity, and "possibility") of the matter is that ;WE are the ones doing the digging and gouging. Where we may present a capable and functional facade to others, and have developed a callous and calcified with time shell over and around our wounded souls, our own needles, knives and probes, (literal AND figurative) pierce through like a hot knife through butter.

For many of us, (and to those well meaning friends and supporters I hope are reading this post-- I am attempting to explain, NOT excuse, certain behaviors, it is not sympathy we/I want or need but empathy, but if you have not been "where" we are, [and I pray most of you have not!!!], you really won't 'get it' fully [walk a mile in a man's shoes...etc.], and the next best thing is tolerance and patience and understanding), this "duality" of outer normalcy (or imitation thereof) and inner fracture, chaos, and, wreckage, this awareness of that "duality", a near schizophrenic division of personality, that sometimes is even more divided and refined to fit different situations, contexts, and people, can cause one to lose contact with the 'core' of one's personality. Trying to present a public face, smiling and confident, while screaming inside your head is not only exhausting, it is like trying to shovel sand from the bottom of a pit, it keeps sliding back down, grain by grain by grain, slowly and inexorably overwhelming and eventually burying you.

All the while you are fully aware of this occurring. There is a point where acceptance and avoidance become blurred, where trying to maintain a 'sane' insanity is the best you can hope for. Sometimes you have to purposely let yourself die inside to live for someone else outside, cauterize or lobotomize, sections of oneself. Kind of like a 'controlled burn' to contain a forest fire that is threatening to rage out of control.

There are times I just want to scream, not so much the typical "why me?" that the "unexamined life types" so often do...more like "Which Me?". I also sometimes want scream at some people when thay say, "You know what you have to do" or "Just do It"....to grab them and shout "NO SH*T...IF I COULD 'JUST DO IT', WOULD I BE STANDING HERE LOSING MY MIND AND MY SOUL AND MY DIGNITY ASKING FOR YOUR F*CKING HELP!!!"...(Okay I guess you can figure out that that particular blast has a specific and particular history AND target.)[not you..N.R.]. Other's I speak with convey the same thoughts sometimes, being caught in a self-perpetuating downward spiral of, knowing one needs help, but too {scared-embarrassed-unable-unwilling-incapable-despairing-beaten down} to seek/ask/care for help. You can relate us to the people who are un-employed but no longer get unemployment or have lost all hope and are no longer counted on the gov't lists of jobless...the 'under the radar' people, there are more out there than you think. I'm sorry to keep bouncing around, but I seem to be in "On The Road" mode today..'stream of consciousness' style, and I type so slow, and never know when I'll run out time or be run off of the computer.

I think that horse is dead now, so...

I have been reviewing the variety and number of folks who have become friends and/or associates, and supporters since I became homeless, and who I met while panhandling, and who I know from being in the Starbucks, and those who I have become acquainted with through this exercise in exorcism..my little blog.

It really is pretty amazing that in a way I have more to be grateful for, while having nothing, than when I had a roof and material things.

I know that I keep going on about gratitude and perspective, but it is true, that sometimes less is more, and appreciation is an inverse ratio.

I regularly converse and exchange ideas with, the editor (and aspiring P.H.D. candidate) of an extremely well respected and nationally known magazine, The Baltimore Jewish Times, a professor or art and foundation co-chair at MICA, a history teacher at a local parochial school, Towson Catholic High School, a number of med. and grad. students, several clergy of all flavors, a handful of nurses and healthcare workers, some employees and volunteers of charities and non-profits, (although with todays economy....that's a shaky line to draw...LOL), numerous local business owners, ranging from delis, to photographic studios, to auto repair, to restaurants and bars, hair stylists, et. al., liquor store (2) owners...(hmmm any significance there..LOL), bank tellers, a number of teachers who don't want their schools mentioned, other than to say, public, christian, and jewish day schools, several people in advertising(print, radio & TV, and outdoor) and sales, and marketing, a couple of accountants..(haven't seen them too much recently...LOL), {a few lawyers, state and county police officers, fire and rescue personel, and court employees.....all on a social..NOT a professional basis...LOL}, a State [Maryland] Senator, half the staff at the Giant, and so on, not to forget the management and staff of Starbucks!!......I sort of started out going for quality...and ended up shooting for quantity...but the point I was trying to make is, most of these folks, a great many of whom seem to value my comments and opinions on various topics, I would not have met if I had not been on this path, on this journey through..(Dear God I HOPE and Pray that this is the correct 'action word'..and ..tense.!!!) homelessness. I now know and in some cases have made, again..I HOPE.. a few really good friends.......all right I am done....it's almost 5:00 and I just remembered I have to find some cash to get my meds today......SH*T>>>SH*T>>>SH*T!!!!..............

................later.........Dave

"Like A Circle In A Circle......As The Images Unwind.......In The....Windmills Of My Mind

Greetings and Hallucinations;

Live Long And Prosper;

May The Force Be With You;

Top O' The Morning To You;

May the road rise up to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

May God hold you in the palm of your hand, &

May you be in heaven..............,

An hour before the devil knows your dead!
What the hell............ I'm half IRISH! , of course I'm also half Jewish, half Polish, half Vulcan, half baked, half sour, half and half, and obviously..half assed!

Assorted thoughts, comments, reflections, ideas, referrals, links and ?

First, a few posts back..March, 11th....I spoke out about assisted suicide choices for the terminally ill. Sunday, during the course of my day of intellectual intercourse and debate, I spent a good long time with my friend Karen, who came in to study for her 'Nurse Practitioner Certification'. We had two particularly involved discussions, one revolving around the medical, legal, and practical issues surrounding "Buprenorphine" as a treatment tool for opiate/opioid addiction, and I was able to give her a 'street level' analyses, based on personal and anecdotal evidence, and referred her to the NAABT (National Association for the Advancement of Buprenorphine Treatment) website.. http://www.feelnormal.org/ ..{and take it from me it is very aptly named, for the first time in 30years..I DO!!!}. We also got into an enlightening discussion on the issue of suicide/assisted suicide for the terminally ill and/or incapacitated, her relevant experience comes from being an Oncology Nurse, and mine, you can refresh yourself on at the above referenced post. In today's Baltimore Sun's Letters section (next to last page of main section) there are 2 letters that express the same thoughts and beliefs in more eloquent fashion, "Is it compassionate to prohibit suicide?-- Jacob M. Appel bioethics teacher at NYU" and "Autonomy is key to value of life--Carleton W. Brown / of Perryville Md."

(may be accessed on line at.. http://www.baltsun.com/ ....) click on LETTERS

Second, also in the Sun, in the You Section on the comics page, at the bottom of the page on the left side..." F MINUS by Tony Carrillo",

'Hey that's me!!!'.......LOL

online at.... http://www.fminus.com/ ....

Third,

"All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who Wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost."

‘IOKEPA HANALEI ‘ĪMAIKALANI

and

INETTE MILLER ‘ĪMAIKALANI

are doing something I wish that I had the guts to do, maybe someday I too can go beyond the literal meaning of HOMELESS and, by appearing to be ROOTLESS, actually be rooted in past/present/future, everywhere and nowhere, citizen of the galaxy and an indigenous member of the ethnic group known as humanity. I read their web pages and feel filled with connections to peoples of all types and beliefs, finding more similarities than differences.

I am moved to go on a global 'walkabout', bubbling over with 'wanderjahr'.

The urge to follow in the footsteps and the sea routes is becoming desire.

Visit them at..http://www.returnvoyage.com/..pick me up if you decide to go.

Fourth, just want to do a good turn to someone who has helped me spiritually, by his friendship and acceptance..My friend Richard..check out this web site,

( http://www.richarddalcinstudios.com/ )

even if you are not in a position yourself, to use his services, you may know some one who is, besides, it is a beautiful artistic experience in it's own right.

Fifth, I came back into the Starbucks yesterday afternoon and found my friend

Neil Rubin, Editor of "The Baltimore Jewish Times",..

(online at.. http://www.jewishtimes.com/ .. see his blog)

sitting, typing away on his thesis/dissertation for his P.H.D.,

(Neil is that like chopped liver on matzoh...Piled Higher and Deeper?)...LOL.

And, who comes in but my friend Lynn, now surprisingly enough, even though they are both regulars at the coffee shop, AND, more importantly, (to me), two of my most ardent boosters and supporters, helping me to cope with un-judging, unequivocal, unconditional friendship,they have never met. Lynn is a teacher at Towson Catholic High School..(history..I think?), and, I jsut found out, a fan of my favorite author, the late Robert A. Heinlein..(R.I.P.), I had been reading a library book by him, titled, "JOB: A Comedy of Justice", which was on the table, and opened up a lively discussion and 'fan fest', as a "coincidence"...(yeah ..riiiiiight), we both came to Heinlein by the same route, the novel, "The Door Into Summer", and we picked it up for the same reasons

30 years ago..it had a cat on the cover....LOL.

Anyhow, Lynn, Neil, and I were having a lovely time chatting about everything from coffee to religion to me (they were embarrassing the hell out of me with their comments regarding my talents and all-around 'good guy' qualities)..... Jeez guys.............thanks, now I gotta live up to your expectations...."It's A PLOT!!"..........But seriously, Lynn was talking about her students and their short attention spans when it came to a mandatory religious assembly/prayer session,(?), of some sort. I brought up the movie, "When Do We Eat" written and directed by Salvador Litvak, and she burst out in excitement, exclaiming how much she loved the movie, and we both pressed Neil to rent it here at the library before Passover.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REpm1wVls0I

See a clip here!!!

If some of you may remember, I raved about this movie on Jan. 03rd, 06th, and (I think) 13th and/or 14th., It is both a hoot and moving all at once.

Sixth: I had an idea to possibly make a few bucks, bring some more attention to the homeless situation here in Baltimore, raise some support for the arts, and avoid/evade being hassled for panhandling...I figure to run off a couple dozen copies of some of my poetry, make up a new sign, illuminating and illustrating the above concepts, and announcing that the poems are free for the asking, and a suggested donation of $1.00, would be nice but not mandatory. If I walked around Fells Point, or the MICA complexes, etc., hmmm...'one never knows....do one'...it could be fun to get out and meet some folks..do a little "HOBO NETWORKING"....

All right I'm done for now..thanks again for reading...I really would like to hear your thoughts and ideas, if anyone is so inclined.........bye, ...Dave

"Timendi Causa Est Nescire"

Hi;

I just have a minute, and I wanted to elaborate a bit on the earlier post. The title says it all . Fear, of the known, of the unknown, it can be paralyzing and debilitating, and one does not even know why or what one is afraid of. The 12 steppers have lots of acronyms, some of which are actually meaningful, one of them is;

F*ck

.........Everything

And

Run

trite, maybe but apt, very much so.

(by the way I was asked why I use the * to spell profanity....some filters in public computers are REALLY sensitive..that's why).

allright we are being herded out now..goodnight.....Dave