Good Morning;
I'm having one of those days where I have so many thoughts and ideas tumbling around in my head but I cannot seem to get them organized into coherent sentences, or sometimes even into phrases. Besides the fact that I was with Rachel for a while at the Starbucks yesterday afternoon, and we sat on the floor at the Giant by the discounted book bin, reading, as her mother shopped (our favorite was " 47 Beavers on The Deep Blue Sea"...could not resist that title....LOL), and then went over to the ex'es house for a shower and laundry, and then got caught up reading and answering e-mails, and then commenting on some other people's blogs....I had the same case of 'mental manana' , and could not get focused enough to post anything worthwhile.
I don't know if it is just a case of Spring Fever, or the oncoming dip in my cycle of depression, the stress of being broke again and out of meds, (just ran out this morning), a growing sense of (mild) uneasiness that is arising from the looming closure of 'my' Starbucks..(end of the month..or sooner, with maybe only 24 hours notice as to the exact day), and the uncertainty of where to re-locate (most likely- St. Thomas (in Owings Mills...NOT the Virgin Islands...damn it...LOL), the test results i am expecting momentarily, or mere procrastination. I say mere but truly at times it has been the bane of my existence, combining with depression and anxiety to become a debilitating paralysis. In talking with others (living on the street) I have heard some very similar stories of plans made, and appointments scheduled, things that I/they really wanted and/or needed to accomplish or acquire, and the next morning, not being able to follow through, sometimes getting all the way to the location, sometimes even making it into the waiting areas. Once I had spent 45 minutes filling out forms getting more and more depressed at my own answers and the picture I saw of my life, that I got so badly discouraged, I walked out almost in tears.
Sometimes the sheer embarrassment of revealing the failures of a life that our time lines present on paper can cause a physical reaction akin to nausea, with all the related symptoms. The emotional and mental wounds of a lifetime, whether self-inflicted or not, are often thinly veiled and easily (and in some cases frequently) re-opened, and we allow them to be poked and prodded and filled with salt, to either fester and suppurate, or to constantly sting and burn, in both situations preventing true healing (or growth of new 'spiritual tissue'), 0r reconciliation and rehabilitation...........and the reality, (and if one examines the situation objectively, the terrible waste humanity, productivity, and "possibility") of the matter is that ;WE are the ones doing the digging and gouging. Where we may present a capable and functional facade to others, and have developed a callous and calcified with time shell over and around our wounded souls, our own needles, knives and probes, (literal AND figurative) pierce through like a hot knife through butter.
For many of us, (and to those well meaning friends and supporters I hope are reading this post-- I am attempting to explain, NOT excuse, certain behaviors, it is not sympathy we/I want or need but empathy, but if you have not been "where" we are, [and I pray most of you have not!!!], you really won't 'get it' fully [walk a mile in a man's shoes...etc.], and the next best thing is tolerance and patience and understanding), this "duality" of outer normalcy (or imitation thereof) and inner fracture, chaos, and, wreckage, this awareness of that "duality", a near schizophrenic division of personality, that sometimes is even more divided and refined to fit different situations, contexts, and people, can cause one to lose contact with the 'core' of one's personality. Trying to present a public face, smiling and confident, while screaming inside your head is not only exhausting, it is like trying to shovel sand from the bottom of a pit, it keeps sliding back down, grain by grain by grain, slowly and inexorably overwhelming and eventually burying you.
All the while you are fully aware of this occurring. There is a point where acceptance and avoidance become blurred, where trying to maintain a 'sane' insanity is the best you can hope for. Sometimes you have to purposely let yourself die inside to live for someone else outside, cauterize or lobotomize, sections of oneself. Kind of like a 'controlled burn' to contain a forest fire that is threatening to rage out of control.
There are times I just want to scream, not so much the typical "why me?" that the "unexamined life types" so often do...more like "Which Me?". I also sometimes want scream at some people when thay say, "You know what you have to do" or "Just do It"....to grab them and shout "NO SH*T...IF I COULD 'JUST DO IT', WOULD I BE STANDING HERE LOSING MY MIND AND MY SOUL AND MY DIGNITY ASKING FOR YOUR F*CKING HELP!!!"...(Okay I guess you can figure out that that particular blast has a specific and particular history AND target.)[not you..N.R.]. Other's I speak with convey the same thoughts sometimes, being caught in a self-perpetuating downward spiral of, knowing one needs help, but too {scared-embarrassed-unable-unwilling-incapable-despairing-beaten down} to seek/ask/care for help. You can relate us to the people who are un-employed but no longer get unemployment or have lost all hope and are no longer counted on the gov't lists of jobless...the 'under the radar' people, there are more out there than you think. I'm sorry to keep bouncing around, but I seem to be in "On The Road" mode today..'stream of consciousness' style, and I type so slow, and never know when I'll run out time or be run off of the computer.
I think that horse is dead now, so...
I have been reviewing the variety and number of folks who have become friends and/or associates, and supporters since I became homeless, and who I met while panhandling, and who I know from being in the Starbucks, and those who I have become acquainted with through this exercise in exorcism..my little blog.
It really is pretty amazing that in a way I have more to be grateful for, while having nothing, than when I had a roof and material things.
I know that I keep going on about gratitude and perspective, but it is true, that sometimes less is more, and appreciation is an inverse ratio.
I regularly converse and exchange ideas with, the editor (and aspiring P.H.D. candidate) of an extremely well respected and nationally known magazine, The Baltimore Jewish Times, a professor or art and foundation co-chair at MICA, a history teacher at a local parochial school, Towson Catholic High School, a number of med. and grad. students, several clergy of all flavors, a handful of nurses and healthcare workers, some employees and volunteers of charities and non-profits, (although with todays economy....that's a shaky line to draw...LOL), numerous local business owners, ranging from delis, to photographic studios, to auto repair, to restaurants and bars, hair stylists, et. al., liquor store (2) owners...(hmmm any significance there..LOL), bank tellers, a number of teachers who don't want their schools mentioned, other than to say, public, christian, and jewish day schools, several people in advertising(print, radio & TV, and outdoor) and sales, and marketing, a couple of accountants..(haven't seen them too much recently...LOL), {a few lawyers, state and county police officers, fire and rescue personel, and court employees.....all on a social..NOT a professional basis...LOL}, a State [Maryland] Senator, half the staff at the Giant, and so on, not to forget the management and staff of Starbucks!!......I sort of started out going for quality...and ended up shooting for quantity...but the point I was trying to make is, most of these folks, a great many of whom seem to value my comments and opinions on various topics, I would not have met if I had not been on this path, on this journey through..(Dear God I HOPE and Pray that this is the correct 'action word'..and ..tense.!!!) homelessness. I now know and in some cases have made, again..I HOPE.. a few really good friends.......all right I am done....it's almost 5:00 and I just remembered I have to find some cash to get my meds today......SH*T>>>SH*T>>>SH*T!!!!..............
................later.........Dave
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