Good Morning;
The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, I'm still breathing, and you are still hear reading this......not too shabby a way to start another day.
Especially after the way I felt yesterday, it took me about 10 straight hours of constant mental and emotional struggle to just keep from exiting this vale of tears. There was no overwhelming or overt reason that I can identify for these feelings, just a sense of all encompassing despair and a general aura of futility surrounding me. This was exacerbated by the physical realities of my homelessness and the conjunction of usually non-concurrent events that happened to align, ie., NOT having seen Rachel in a few days, and not being able to get ahold of her mother, because of Shabbos; being 100%, totally out of all money and down to the last dollar of Food Stamps, and no foreseeable options in the Immediate future of acquiring any funds legally or ethically, other than panhandling, (which I have been trying to avoid as much as I can, even on some of those days where I left you, gentle reader, with the intention of going out to 'the side of the road' changing my mind en route); needing to bathe, and unable to hook up with any of my regular 'shower spots', for various reasons; having taken my last dose of medication, and although I was covered for at least 24 hours, the mental stress resulting from worry about whether I would be able to find ways and means to resupply before my "grace" period expired; having such a sinus headache that breathing through my nose was painful; physical pain in my back and side from old injuries and surgeries, a few consecutive nights of insomnia and sleep apnea issues, and hitting bottom in a recurring depressive cycle along with an anxiety cycle peak; and I was constipated..[don't laugh, its no fun!.....one day, ask me about how all the parts of the body decided who would be 'boss'];...my Qi was out of alignment;..you get the picture..(hell I don't doubt that Sunspots were flaring, my moon was in Jupiter and a foot was up Uranus...LOL..ouch...sorry), ...I had even dropped so low as to nearly have lost my sense of humor...almost, but not quite, Thank God. Add to all this, the fact that I could find no one to talk to who knew me well enough, and I could not get online to write. it all added up to a "BAD DAY!!!", I mean I have felt like giving up before, but have been able to fairly easily,(in varying degrees), 'wait it out'...."this too shall pass"....etc.. But yesterday was the first time in a real, real, long time where I actually considered a plan of action and ways to implement it, and materiel and logistics.
The edge of the abyss, and the view into the chasm, can be hypnotizing in and of itself, trapping one into an ever decreasing spiral, where the choices become fewer and fewer and narrower and narrower, ask an airplane pilot about being in a flat spin below a certain altitude, it gets to a point where neither pulling out OR ejecting are any longer viable options.........sometimes a freak wind or current can mean the difference between crashing and burning and just crashing......and it is said that "Any landing you can walk away from is a good landing".
Well obviously I'm here, though by a margin as fine as frog's hair..(I've always wanted to use that metaphor)..Thank you God, for Rachel's sake which is the only thing that has kept me from 'opting out' on so many occasions, but yesterday, there was a lot of..'better off without me' bouncing around in my head...
So, I hear you saying enough already with the philosophical crap, what happened and why?, I had reached a point of 'neutral buoyancy' , where the next influence on me negative or positive could sway the balance, and I felt very light, floating like a feather in a breeze with a sense of calm acceptance for whatever may come, and just about when I reached, (achieved?) this zen-like state I looked up and saw my, recently arrived in Baltimore, friend Chris, who was outside smoking a cigarette, I stepped outside and we said our hellos and he asked if I was OK, not wanting to 'leave' the space my mind was in I just mentioned my sinus headache, and he immediately offered me the use of his shower, with the object being the steam would soothe the sinuses and help with the pressure, I accepted and we walked the half mile or so down the street to his apt. , after showering and dressing in a completely fresh outfit, I felt better enough to talk out my problems and feelings a bit with him, as he and I share some of the same issues and thereby have a connection. We then walked to the library, where, LO and Behold, who runs up to me smiling and jumps into my arms............'nuff said??
While the day was no picnic after that,(they, Rachel, her siblings and the EX were on the way out), it became bearable and the intense "pressure" that was encompassing me seemed to lessen, (it felt as if I was only wading through Jello, as opposed to before when I seemed to be trying to swim in molten lava). The day passed, I sat outside on the 'verandah'(the 'h' is intentional, ya gotta say this word with a Dixie accent...right Scarlett?), and watched darkness rise to meet the sky, and slowly balance with the darkness in my soul, I sat there for about 3 hours, until I got cold and crawled in the shack to sleep. I awoke, if not cheerful, AT LEAST, not morbidly depressed, and with the sunrise and the arrival of Lynn, who I met as we both walked in at the same time, who bought me a cup of coffee, and slipped a $5 bill in my hand before I even realized what she was doing, (and of course with a breath of her trademark cologne, "HAPPY", not sure who it's from), the day was about 500% improved over yesterday. So, here we are, after a flurry of e-mails with Mary, and an exchange of thoughts with Michelle, I'm stable, and in a safe if not ecstatic, state of being. Oh yeah, and I've got a couple of days worth of meds waiting to be picked up, thanks to Monkee's kindness, grace and patience.
Also, Deena, who is a LCSW...(?), is supposed to bring me some info about her company/organization (not real clear who they are yet), about some 'bupe' programs, counseling, and possibly housing and vocational help.....we shall see what we shall see....
Well..still broke, still homeless, still crazy, still got a sense of humor, still fighting.
This is a bit of 'mental masturbation' from yesterday, reusing some old images:
(have fun)
SCHIZOPHRENIC FEVER DREAMS
WHIRL WITHIN MY BRAIN
GLIMPSED LIKE FACES OF THE DEAD
THROUGH THE WINDOWS OF A TRAIN
SPINNING SPEEDING IMAGES BLURRED BY A FOG OF PAIN
HALF REMEMBERED FRAGMENTS
OF HALF FORGOTTEN CONVERSATIONS
SILENT SCREAMS SO DEAFENING
MUTELY CRYING OUT FRUSTRATIONS
UNHEARD PLEAS AND PROMISES AND UNQUIET DESPERATION'S
PRESENT PAST AND FUTURE TENSES
A KALEIDOSCOPIC DAZE
LEAVE ME SHAKEN SHOCKED AND REELING
IN A HALLUCINOGENIC HAZE
LOST WITHIN THE PATHWAYS OF A PSYCHOTROPIC MAZE
METAPHYSIC MADNESS RULES
IN AN IMAGINARY REIGN
OF LOOKING GLASS DUALITY
IN MENTAL ILLNESS'ES DOMAIN
LEAVING YET UNANSWERED THESE QUESTIONS THAT REMAIN
AM I FOR REAL.....................................................
ARE YOU FOR REAL........................
OR
ARE WE BOTH INSANE
dbc--3/22/09
HI;
I realize that this post and some others are 'all about me' but a lot of the issues that are my personal 'hells' affect a huge segment of the homeless population, who may not have my language, (such as it is) to express themselves, nor the access to the technology that allows me to indulge my ego and mask my screams for help with humor and irony. I am asking you to keep an open mind even if you keep a closed wallet (and that is NOT a dig or a jab), if you are reading this far, you obviously have compassion for us, (or the same type of fascination with this train wreck I call a life, that causes rubberneck bottlenecks and backups at the scene of a nice bloody car crash....LOL), and hell we all are aware of the economic times.
Please just try not to be nasty or rude the next time someone asks you POLITELY for change or help, (but ignorance deserves nothing in return of course...and agressiveness SHOULD be policed, assholes are assholes...rich, poor, white, black, purple, homeless or not!!), if you opt not to give anything material, you can always give a man some dignity for free, just by acknowledging, his/my/our humanity. Thank You and thanks for reading, I hope I can entertain and every once in a while, inspire you to reach out to another in some way.
...............................Dave
and if any one wants to reach out to help me complete my collection of FAMOUS AMERICAN HERO ENGRAVINGS....I am still accepting Franklins, Grants, Jacksons, Lincolns, Hamiltons, Washingtons(sets of 5 ).....actively seeking donations of, McKinleys, Clevelands, Madisons , and Chases....If you can find me a Woodrow Wilson----I'll consider having your baby......Dave
!!!!!Special Offer!!!!!
Identify the above references and you get to have lunch with me....(you also get to buy.....I'm homeless remember!)
HEY..I just looked at my hitcounter...by the time I check it later, I'll have had 700 visitors...WOW...and Damn....that is both gratifying and humbling...that so many of you read this..and so many 'keep coming back' as we say in the rooms.
If you are number 750 and you write me and identify yourself, I'll buy,(or acquire somehow...... you guys like 'possum), [Texan joke....what's the first step in preparing an armadillo...number one you gotta scrape it off the road!!], lunch...{preference given to folks of the female persuasion who live in tropic or sub-tropic climes, on or near a beach....so shoot me...I'm a Single guy!}........Dave
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