"When Do We Eat??"

Hello and welcome to all;

..."I'll open the door for Elijah"

I had a meeting to day with a reporter from the Baltimore Sunpaper, we had a nice long chat, well I babbled on, she was kind enough to indulge my ramblings. We are planning to meet again, watch this space for further developments, I don't know exactly where this is heading..I'm just going to hang on, enjoy the ride, and hope that I'm thrown free of the wreckage when the smoke clears...LOL.

To tell you the truth, some recent comments from friends and readers have begun to fan to life the tiny little spark of hope, that I have always kept smouldering as an ember of secret desire, into a small flame of possibility, that someday, somehow, I might be able to do THIS!, to write creatively, as a way of life, maybe even make a buck at it. I have been starting, or at least trying, to look at my options for "Life After Homelesscide", you know when I get to be reincarnated as a (semi) productive member of society.

The people I am meeting through both this little blog, in specific, and the whole mis-adventure of being "Residentially Challenged" (yeah..there's a PC term for everything...LOL), in general, are both encouraging and somewhat shaming me,(in my own mind), to attempt to make a little more effort, and to expend some more energy to find a solution to my issues.

And I do have the desire and the motivation..now if i can only work up the ambition and the courage....failure is a breeze, I know I can do and get away with that. It can be comfortable, in it's own small way. Succeeding, in and of itself is not that difficult always, either, what scares the sh*t out of me, is, well actually are, two things...having to repeat that success..and the 'what ifs' that go with it..w/i..it was a fluke, w/i...I can't keep it up, w/i...I let everbody down---again; and in my, at times, little child psyche, w/i...I embarass my self, w/i....they laugh at me.

Mix that up with depression, and general anxiety disorder, and all my good intentions and well thought out and practical plans are for nought. I am frozen in place and paralyzed by the debilitating PHYSICAL effects of fear and self doubt. It is hard to explain to those who have not experienced it, but I could sit down with you tonight and layout a game plan for tomorrow that is comprehensive, functional, and doable, figuring in places, times, transportation, and..'need of services' to be accessed, and by the morning, I could be raring to go, and actually dress and prepare for day, and in an instant..one little delay will come up, and then another will be rationalized...eventually the morning will be over, and all appointments will be missed...and a feeling of great relief will settle in....what I have not explained, is the shaking, sweating and sometimes uncontrollable vomiting, devolving into retching, that accompanies the former.

It is really much better, when through insomnia, and simple physical and mental exhaustion, I awaken,(after falling asleep 15 minutes before it is time to get out of bed), a total mess and just blow it,(the plans),off from the beginning, at least in most cases, in this situation I make an attempt to re-schedule.

Hell, maybe if I've got somebody following me around at times, I'll use the 'embarrassment' scenario in reverse psychology mode, and shame myself into not canceling out..LOL..(but seriously..I am wondering??)

Enough..I'm beginning to re-enter that circle in my mind again.

It is Peasch, (Passover), almost Good Friday and Easter.

The Last Supper was a Seder.

Escape from Bondage, Redemption, Salvation, Miracles.

Anticipating the Arrival Of....or Celebrating it.

Welcoming in those less fortunate to hear told the the story is not only a tradition, it is a Commandment.

Two powerful religions, on two of their most sacred Holyday periods.

................????.................

I, for all the crap I deal with, inside and outside of my head, are (for now) in a pretty damn good place, ...there are thousands who do not have the skills or abilities to go online and bitch, so at times, and this is one, I presume to speak for some..............

Please..just frigging acknowledge that homeless..bum/drunk/junkie/retard/phony/father/brother/son/veteran/dreamer/

FELLOW HUMAN BEING!!

Before you look away, make eye contact, nod back....

Give what you choose, where you choose, and how you choose..or not, it's ok.

But Please......LOOK AT ME..I EXIST!!

Chag SaMeach........God Bless........................Good Night....Dave