"Remember When Depression Was Just A Hole In The Ground........................."

Good Morning;

Well like the fog that began to coalesce out of the air last night as I sat outside the First Watch cafe trying to read but unable to keep my mind focused, so that I reread the same sentence 15 times without knowing what it said,....the black clouds of my depression began swirling in ever tighter and denser circles inside my head. The feeling of being trapped within an ever decreasing space, with the air becoming fouler with each ragged breath, and the inner darkness closing in and my peripheral vision fading and disappearing until only a long, dark, narrow tunnel of sight remained, with a distant rumbling in the background and a persistent roar of steadily increasing volume in my ears that kept building and building until the next thing I knew.....I was huddled in the shed, with the rain pouring down in buckets, half sitting, half laying in a semi-fetal position in the darkness of the farthest corner, the door wide open and the wind and the rain blowing in.

I have no memory of leaving the bench, walking to the shed, of the rain beginning.

I was damp but not soaked, so I must have came in before the downpour began, and I had my bags with me.

I closed and barred the door and lay out the blankets and sleeping bag and lay on top of them alternately shivering and sweating, hot, then cold, then hot again. The noise of my blood pounding in my head and a feeling that a constricting band was being cinched tighter and tighter around my forehead, and an overwhelming sense of impending doom made me want to scream out in frustration, agony, and impotence. This was underscored by an irrational feeling of raw, naked fear with no visible cause or vector.

So...how the hell was your night?

I must of fallen asleep at some point after the rain had stopped because I have faint recollection of the drip...drip...drip of the water from the newest leak slowly diminishing from a running flow to a intermittent splash. The next thing I knew it was 8:30 am. and I was slapping at the off button on the alarm on my (currently empty of minutes) phone. I was to meet Rachel's mother at the library about 9:00 am., and when I finally called her close to 10:00 am....... She had forgotten about it and did not have the car, and I won't be able to get over there myself to see Rachel either, until next week. I now have wasted over an hour and missed meeting with someone who owes me some cash, and who I cannot catch up with again until he gets back in town next week....and now I have to rush out to see Monkee before she goes to work so I can get my meds...if my credit is still good.

And the computer just gave me the 5 minute warning....which is really effed' up because I had 30 minutes left on the timer....yeah it is that kind of a 'morning after'...

I hope to be back later this afternoon..............

Dave