Good Morning;
What lovely weather outside, and what a contrast to the clouds, fog and haze I feel surrounded and enveloped by, inside and outside my head. The only positive thing is knowing it is there, awareness that it is the clinical depression, and hopefully...having the strength to outlast it again, this time...before surrendering to the inevitable.
I noted in Friday's about the onset of this bout of depression, and Saturday's nice weather seemed to counteract it a bit, but when I got to Jenn's to watch the grandkid's things seemed to be slowly but steadily increasing to the boiling, bursting, breaking point. Add in Edward's snotty attitude and on and over the edge behavior, (a lot of which was from the allergy symptoms PLUS the cold or flu which he repeatedly shared with me by spritzing me with the backspray of his [partially] covered sneezes, and the 'sneak attack' coughing fits that always seemed to be delivered in the middle of a close-in conversation or by half chewed food projectiles while chewing. Yeah I know...I was there.........Yeeeccchhhh!!!!
Saturday night I slept poorly and in a really bad position and woke up early Sunday AM. on the couch with my hips and my face directly on un-padded or barely covered portions of the frame, with the aches, pains, bruises and contusions to match. Not to mention the total numbness and immobility on my left side which had me worried that I may have had a small stroke, (which happened to my father twice, once going unnoticed due to a whole slew of other medical issues......some of which I also have to worry about...ain't heredity wonderful), and last but not least, the 'crease and dent' on the left side of my face and head from the arm of the couch where the pillow had slipped, that is only now beginning to fade.
I spent the night because I was needed to watch the kids on Sunday also so I got a booster shot of whatever Ed has that kept him out of school on Friday. Sunday morning I not only woke up with the external bodily deterioration but with a sore throat that felt as if someone had tried to choke me with a mixture of barbed wire and broken glass, washed down with battery acid, which is still with me today. The fog in my head also began to develop texture and expand, pressing outwards against my skull to compliment the invisible orchestra of miniature percussionists playing "The Anvil Chorus" on the outside! So as you may have guessed, Sunday with a 5 year old 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Psycho' and a 2 year old whose giggling laugh almost..BUT NOT QUITE!!!..reaches frequencies beyond human hearing, and whose decibel level will cause hemorrhaging in the ears!
I ended up showering and leaving when Jenn got home around 6:00 pm. As I was leaving the apartment complex and heading over to the Subway station there was no one on the road or at the station or bus stops, it was really eerie, as if the population had disappeared from the face of the earth. It was over 20 minutes before I saw another person when the train pulled in, and another 15 minutes before a car came by. As I have said before Sundays are the worst day of the week for me and have been forever. With the depression hanging over me, the physical discomfort, and the rapidly developing cold/flu giving me that fuzzy stoned/stupid feeling, the sense of loneliness and isolation kicked in real bad. Leaving Jenn's with nowhere to go and nowhere to be, aloof and alone....
the emptiness kicked in hard. I had no cash to go anywhere else so i just rode the bus to the coffee shop and sat until they closed an hour later and then sat out back and read and wrote for the next 2 hours in the semi-light/semi-dark of the nearly full moon slipping in and out of the clouds and the pink/orange reflection of the sodium vapor lights of the city off the cloud cover. I got back to the shed about 11:00 pm. and read for a bit until the book began hitting me in the face as I kept falling asleep. At which point the med's side effects and the insomnia and the pain in my swollen joints and the osteo-arthritis moved in to keep me awake the whole damn night!!!
I fell asleep around 7:30 am., finally...and slept and dozed an hour at a time until the latino lawn and grounds crew working the shopping center today parked their trucks in the lot next to the shed and took their morning 'burrito break and mariachi music festival'....LOL! I was forced up andout around 11:30 am. and went to the Giant to wash my face and try to find someone to trade me food credit for some OTC cold/flu meds, (which I did, so now I have 'medicine head' from the antihistamines, and everything I hear is filtered through a low buzzing in the background).
I am supposed to watch the kids again tonight for Jenn, but I don't know if I am staying the night or not. Part of me wants to for the convenience, coffee maker, and cooking facilities....but, part of me does not because of the sleeping options and the 'smelly dog'.
I guess you'll find out tomorrow........LOL!
I also have to relate a very...mystical??, existential??, spiritual?? experience I had on Friday night after sundown, which was the start of Yom Kippur.
Times up...
Later.................Dave
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