Good Evening;
Well it never stormed as I hoped it would today, which would have soaked the dry parched wood of the shed and helped to cool it immensely. The air has dried out and the humidity and temperature are now quite pleasant, as is the slight breeze intermittently swirling around.
I ended up spending the whole day at Jenn's until 6:30 pm. this afternoon because she asked me if I had any plans, and if not would I mind watching the kids. Well, between no sleep, the threat of thunderstorms in the early afternoon (which never materialized!) putting a hold on the pool with Rachel, the near 90 degree heat and high humidity not being an appealing enough reason to want to leave the house, and not having the extra bus fare to go and get Rachel and pick her up and go to the library for an hour then take her back home....I wasn't in the best of moods and did not want to leave the A/C so I told her I would.
Which turned out to be a double edged sword. On one hand Edward and Devin spent most of the day gnawing on my last nerve like a rat and a seagull fighting over a chicken bone......but on the other hand I was nice and close to the bathroom when my guts went from 'viral' to 'postal', the irritation being exacerbated by way to many hours without rest and the steadily building anxiety that has chewed it's way into my psyche.
Between the 'letdown' that always follows a good day with Rachel as I exit the short segment of 'normality' and return to 'my normality' where I'm bouncing around like a pinball from the passive bumpers of bureaucratic indifference and incompetence to the flippers of active interference as exemplified by weather, pain, personalities, and worries of disappearing finances, food, and meds. , and the lack of sleep and the beginning of a predicted and calculated slide on the downslope of the charted, cyclical, clinical, depressive rollercoaster.........and the natural gut wrenching twists and spins as I try to keep from blowing chunks and blowing my brains out as I slam back and forth uncontrollably on the "Guilt-A-Whirl", splashed with the spilled remains of Schizophrenic Slushee and Paranoia Popcorn in a technicolor nightmare that resembles a Spin-Art painting of shattered dreams, unfulfilled potential, lost chances, lost innocence, and lost hope....channeled along the poisoned and polluted stream that leads to and through the "Tunnel Of Loneliness"....which debouches into the stinking and stagnant "Lake Of Lost Souls" that lies below the burning and bloody Ramparts Of Regret And Remorse....upon which is built the "Mansion Of Madness", a Palace Of Pain existing only within the mind yet encompassing and enveloping all of my existence......where my sanity creeps like a roach in the darkness, a foul, fell, tortured thing preyed on and played with by the twin demons of fear and despair........cruelly crushed to within mere milliseconds of blessed relief and endless eternal escape, only to be revived at the last moment to the howls and cackles of evil and hateful laughter, renewed and rejuvenated with memories intact and inflamed and impotent of action....to be forced and driven to the edge of madness and the abyss and forbidden the last step over the precipice that would allow a final freedom to be found.
And now that the fragments of fantasy and reality have become so blurred that I'm not sure of the difference, if there is a difference, if it matters, or if I even care anymore.......... I am going to find someplace to lay down and close the eyes of my body, soul, and mind...... and see what awaits when once again I open them.
Later........................................Dave
With apologies to Lawrence Ferlinghetti and Walt Disney
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