Good Afternoon;
So that was quick, wasn't it?
A 12:30 pm. meeting and back at the library on the computer before 1:00 pm.!
The reason for my rapid return is; that when I got to Prologue and Liz came downstairs, she had with her the partner with whom she shares an office and the company car, and told me she was coming along, did I mind. Well, I'm already having a bad day as it is and I automatically said sure, so I would not have to deal with any confrontation or uncomfortable questions. To tell the truth I DID NOT want her to come along, because I was already in the first stages of an anxiety attack and for some reason my first impression of this woman just rubbed me the wrong way. And because I am not comfortable with strangers in a situation where I need to be able to open up and expose my thoughts, needs, fears and feelings. I expected it to be me and my caseworker, with whom I have established a bond, and also, I felt, a sense of trust and friendliness. The time I have spent with Liz has been as much social interaction as it has been therapeutic and business oriented. By the time we walked out to the car to unload all the stuff in my bag I was just about to go full goose gonzo into a panic attack, so I just told her it was a bad day fro me and I was going to split. And if she was going to go to the Walmart, she could do whatever she wanted about the bag..(after I showed her the seams)..that she and Walmart could agree on...trade, exchange, refund, at this point I didn't much care.
I am on edge today, now more than ever. I do not know why I could not come right out and say that I was not comfortable with someone else along during 'my time', but I could not, it was easier and less painful just to run. Was I, Am I wrong to feel this way??, I don't know and at this time I don't care. Am I overreacting?, Quite possibly. Should I have said something then? Most probably. Will I say something to Liz later? Good question? I don't know right now. Between the lack of sleep, the depression that has overtaken me so insidiously and deviously this time, (I did not feel it coming on like I usually do, and so was unprepared to use the normal diversionary tactics that seem to lessen it's affect and duration), and the f*cking loneliness that has me in it's grips, plus the case of the full blown paranoia and anxiety that is tearing me to shreds inside right now and the feelings of physical nausea that have my stomach in knots, I don't really give a damn.
I may blow off my plans to get together with my cousin Harriet later, I'm not sure if I can deal with that right now. I may just go sit somewhere by myself and see if this runs it's course by itself. Then again I may get a six pack and head out into the woods. The only thing I know I am not, (at this point, this moment, Just For Today as it is said, but that is all one can ask for anyway), going to do is go score some coke or some dope. Not because I don't want to, but because I have not reached the point where the desire outweighs the consequences. And because I really don't think there is any decent stuff out there, from what I have heard anyway.
For anyone who has met me and wondered about what I am talking about when I mention mental, emotional or psychological/psychiatric issues...you should be in my f*ckin' head today!! I usually try to stay out of the public presence when I feel this coming on, but I was blitzkrieged today, with no idea that the anxiety/panic would escalate to this level. I feel like a volcano about to erupt, or a boiler with a broken pressure relief valve ready to violently explode. The urge to hide is competing with the urge to hit something or break something...animate, inanimate...whatever.
I know that seeing Rachel was a two edged sword today, both joyful and painful. The pain coming from the shortness of our time together and the feelings of inadequacy that come form not having any money to do something and not having a place where we can live together at least part of the time.
Okay, I've got to go now, this place and the people here are closing in on me it feels like. I think I saw Harriet too, and I have to either see her or call her and tell her it is not a good day to hang out.
Sorry to unload on you all...but WTF!, it's partly what this blog is for, a way to try to preserve what little sanity I have left!
Later ...Dave
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