Good Afternoon Again;
So I also had a visit from red ants last night, they looked like the fire ants I know from Florida, but I was not about to let myself get bit to test the theory! Why this spring after 16 months in the shed of only having a single episode of insect problem am I now being overrun? Could it be that the baby birds falling into the walls and dying, (around the same spot as the hive), have attracted these unwanted guests? The shed is starting to deteriorate much more rapidly, and everytime it rains hard the walls where the trees and vines are growing through open up more and more. It is a real bitch because of the location of the shed . It is pretty much centrally located in the area where I spend most of my time, other than the coffee shop, and that is becoming less and less a desirable destination anyway.
It seems somehow fitting that this is happening now for some reason, I have sunken into a black depression and it is being exacerbated by outside events, situation and influences. Hitting rock bottom financially with 8 days to go before I even know if I'm getting any more cash, out of Foodstamps and food of any kind, the projected weather forecast of temperatures in the upper 80's and high humidity, 'bupes' for only 2 more days, not being able to take Rachel out, and her being sick on top of it all is bearing down on my mind. Someone special having a birthday and not being able to do something special for her bothers me. And of course the imagination works overtime to produce and manufacture scenarios and situations that may or may not occur, but which keep springing up in any case. And of course the 2 really big things that are eating me up, the conflicting or at least contrasting feelings of deep and painful loneliness, paired with the ever increasing desire just to have a little place where I can be safe, secure, minimally comfortable......and,........alone.
The Baltimore Magazine story had a line about..."showing signs of real mental illness", well this is what they were talking about. This and the increasing incidence and severity of anxiety/panic attacks. I isolate as much as possible when these are imminent and I have the opportunity, so the majority of them are unseen. But they are coming more often with no warning. I am just so tired of everything right now, and the effort of keeping up the facade is becoming too much.
What scares the most is that I losing my sense of humor, even in the blackest of times I could find something, even if it was ironic, to laugh about....it is becoming harder. and the temper is getting shorter. I need a change, or a break, or a rest, or something, and damn soon, I think.
Out of time, I'm done for today. Ithink I may stay and close up the library, I really don't feel like bussing it today.
Later....................Dave
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