Wednesday, November 30, 2011

"Demented Dreams,................Depressive Screams,........................And A Flagon Of Cold Weather Whine................"

Good Evening;
Well, the past 2 days have not been productive to say the least. Most of the past 48 hours have been spent in the sleeping bag either shivering or curled up in a fetal position. I fell asleep Tuesday afternoon about 4:30 pm. and woke up at 11:30 pm.totally disoriented and with the start of what appears to be another sinus infection. After running to the Giant before they closed to use the restroom I took my nighttime meds and some NyQuil tablets and some generic Immodium. The next 12 hours were a mix of broken twisted dreams, paranoid fantasies, and extremely realistic hallucinations.

NOTE TO SELF: DO NOT "Accidentally" take same combination of Meds and OTCs!!! (But bookmark this page for future reference if

Today the building wave of depression crested and broke, inundating me with all the usual negative and self defeating thoughts. The tools and exercises used to combat or minimize the effects were of little or no help today. Between the drop in temperature and the emotional crash dive, and external triggers, and the ongoing and unresolved physical issues, I just couldn't raise enough energy to get up until after 5:00 pm. It was out to use the bathroom and back in the shed and into the sleeping bag.

I really NEED to get up and out tomorrow to get some cash somehow, I've got bus fare for 1 day and my food stash is down to the candy bars I have to sell and a jar of instant coffee. It is supposed to get down to 32 degrees tonight, (and feel like 28), I hate cold weather, and that is a major factor in this episode of depression. As much as I know I should get out for the morning rush hour, the thought of getting up and out in the dark and cold, an hour before dawn to catch the bus(es) is dragging me even farther down. If my hands are starting to hurt now.....

Another thing I am dreading is sitting for hours in the waiting room at JAI, which is also a necessity.

Ah well, time to get my hands under cover, and try to sleep now, without dreams, so I can at least sit up in the morning when the alarm goes off and either turn it off and get up, hit the snooze and then get up next ring, or...turn it off and go back to sleep.
Instead of falling asleep 20 minutes before it goes off and not even hearing it,
like the other day.

Not having a regular place to shower is not helping matters either....tired, cold, and funky is not a good feeling. It is hard to look at or care about long term goals or options when day to day things seem to be falling apart. The whole D.S.S/S.S.A. thing has me ready to give up. When one hears people on the bus bragging how they 'gamed' the system with completely phony claims and 'got paid',......well......I don't even want to go there in print!

Anyway, maybe a good solid uninterrupted nights sleep, and the 'non-psychotic' nasal meds will help.


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