Good Afternoon;
I left here yesterday and went across town to Monkee's and sat on her porch for 2 hours waiting for her to get back from the hairdressers. I ate the salad I made at the Giant earlier that morning...(Spring mix greens, romaine and iceberg lettuces, diced tomatoes, grilled and oven roasted chicken strips, sliced and slivered radishes, ham salad, croutons, cantaloupe, honey toasted pecans, huge juicy blackberries, creamy caesar dressing, shredded Parmesan cheese, surimi-[fake crab chunks], and balls of fresh mozzarella.......the fruit and the nuts really worked, especially the blackberries........and of course today, there were none on the salad bar...story of my life)...and listened to the Playaway audio book I currently have checked out...(A collection of Louis LaLamour short stories read by Willie Nelson, with some of them dramatized and acted out with Johnny Cash, Kris Kristofferson, Willie, and others)...'til she got home. After I got a couple days worth of 'bupes' on credit...( I really have to find exactly what's what with this M.A. in regards to getting a legitimate source). I ran into my old buddy Barry, who lives across the alley from Monkee and we talked for a while, and there must of been 10 people who I had not seen in ages walk past us. I then went by bus and train to Mt. Washington to the coffee shop, where I stayed until closing...it was a real slow night..(as was Friday)..at times I was the only customer there.
I mentioned as I was signing off yesterday that I could feel the cloud of depression descending upon me. Things got foggier and foggier as the night wore on. The one time I wanted someone to stop by and talk, something more than a superficial chat, no one shows up. Any other time, if I want to watch a movie or read...I can't escape the attention......last night...nada.
After I got back to the shed, via the Giant and a medicinal box of donuts from the day old reduced rack and a pint of milk, I watched some more of "Jeeves and Wooster" until the battery died, then lay there, unable to sleep for the next 4 &1/2 hours, mind racing and thoughts all twisted and confused as the black fog of depression enveloped me in a shroud of despair. I had asked Jenn earlier that night if I could come over and shower and do a load of laundry. She said they had no money on the card for the washers and dryers, I told her I was broke and would just come over and shower. I had woken up about a quarter to seven to the bladder's urgent alarm, and fell back asleep, waking at the same time the phone rang, eating up my last minute, at 10:00 am. It was Jenn asking if I was coming over. I told her that it made no sense if I could not wash clothes and I'd see her later. I finally made it out of the sleeping bag about 11:30 am. and went over to the Giant to use the facilities and get some thing for breakfast..(and the coffee machine is still broken)..but it was insanely busy. So much so that they had stock people working the registers. I could not make up my mind whether to sit and wait for the library to open or get on the bus and head over to the Starbucks, (I have enough on the assorted cards for a cup of coffee, I sat on the payphone for 20 minutes after calling the toll free number and keying in all the numbers on the cards and writing the totals down and adding them up), dithering back and forth.
There was a Baltimore County Health department van in front of the library offering both H1N1 and Seasonal flu shots for free, so I decided what the hell, why not! I had a woman on each arm, jabbing me with a syringe.....(brings back memories of the old days.....lol). The Nurse Practitioner who interviewed me suggested that some of my chronic medical issues may be related to Fibromyalgia. There are times, like........Now!, when EVERYTHING hurts, and I am always tired and yet cannot sleep until I literally pass out. This is the third time this has been brought up in a casual medical atmosphere, as soon as I get this M.A. confusion straightened out, and a permanent primary physician to work with, I have to get some accurate diagnoses about this. I think that Liz and I also have to amend some of the S.S.A. forms to reflect this.
I then came in here and signed in for the computer, and waited 40 minutes. This is the second session for me and I think it's gonna be the last, the list is now too long. I'm going to get some coffee at the Starbucks and sit in the sun for a while, with any luck I'll fall asleep for a while. I just hope I don't fall asleep on the train or the bus and end up in south or east Baltimore...lol. One of the worst things about being without a residence is having no place to just sit and spend time doing nothing. Everyday I have to get up out of the sleeping bag and go somewhere else. If you have nowhere to go, all you do is get out of bed and go into another room, or even just sit in a chair or lay in bed in your bedroom, I don't have that available. And when there is absolutely NO money in my pocket and the depression is weighing me down and I have no place to go.....here come those "ideations" as the head doctors call them. The vicious circles keep getting smaller and tighter until they are like a 'black hole', an intense psycho-gravitational anomaly that sucks in not only all matter, light, and energy, but eventually even the last bit of hope, finally crushing soul and psyche. Sometimes the only answer seems to be to cut and run, taking the ultimtate adventure ride to the true 'last frontier', while the choice is still mine...........Yeah,welllll, enough of that.
I guess I'll be back here tomorrow....or do I have a meeting with Liz tomorrow morning to fill out the rest of the paperwork for S.S.A.? The short term memory loss is getting worse. I am starting to forget all kinds of things now. The short term memory loss is getting worse. I am starting to forget all kinds of things now.
I guess I'll be back tomorrow.
.............later...........................................Dave
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