Saturday, February 12, 2011

"Metaphors of Madness'........... Or...................'King Lear......Kindred Soul'..................."

Good Afternoon;

Well the last minute trip to the Dental Hygiene Clinic was a real downer, and that let open the floodgates of despair and washed away the last grains of hope that were holding up the hollow shell of a sandcastle that I have been using as a facade for so long. A combination of things such as looking up into the eyes of a woman I have loved and been in love with for years and finally admitting that the love reflected there only goes so far. Acknowledging in my heart, what I have known intellectually leaves a bittersweet sadness, the pain leavened by the very real love that is there and the length of time we have been friends.....(but it still sucks!

The exam and cleaning was ruined by the particular instructor that Michelle drew on Friday, who for some reason is overly critical compared to the others and the 'norm' by which judgements are made. Not only did she downgrade me from a level 2 to a level 1 rating of intensity and difficulty, (I was a level 3 last time and I have not had any needed dental work done since......????), but in the end she failed Michelle for the whole session, the only time in clinic, lab or externship that she has gotten less than excellent marks......."Something is rotten in the State of Denmark!".

And then the (even though I knew it was irrational) guilt at seeing my friend so upset and the impotence to help set off my fall into the abyss of depression that have been I have been hanging on the edge of like an avalanche waiting for that one certain sound or vibration to set it off.
Add in the previous few nights of bitter cold, the insomnia that popped up the past few nights leaving me exhausted all day and unable to rest at night, the chronic loneliness and absence of human contact that I was trying to replace with all the (medically needed and ordered, not frivolously abused) doctor visits and tests and exams, the medical findings that always seem to be somewhere worse than normal but not each by itself critically disabling yet when combined ARE so and having to fuss with each specialist to get them to look outside their own specialty to get them to then say...."Oh....yeah, I see what you mean"....(which does happen eventually, but it is wearing to have to keep forcing such a simple issue just to get confirmation), plus the fairly standard letdown, like the post holiday blues, that occurred after seeing Rachel,.....and not having found professional mental health personnel who are within the aegis of my healthcare insurance's umbrella AND in an area I am willing to travel in and to And with whom I feel a rapport and trust....and it is no surprise that the old demons come calling again. There are times I wish I could shut them up and want to jam an icepick in my ear to silence them! When "is this all there is...?" turns into
this is all there is....", and my old friend "When Not If" starts whispering in my ear again. I've always known since I was a little kid that it would be the most likely way I'd be leaving, but not just yet.....I hope.
Trying to stave off the impending and debilitating fog of depression with the "in the moment" physical and emotional triumphs, (whether my own doing or just serendipity), has worked for a while, such as.....the recent boon of the Lottery gods, and the chance meetings with people, (though that has been a double edged sword in some cases), and the electronic toys I have been blessed with. But it only hold for so long. And when I really needed someone to be with and no one was around or available or willing........back on the slippery slope to madness on my belly and face down.
Plus I'm worried about my daughter Jenn, who is going through something at home that has her upset enough not to talk about it. I was supposed to spend some time with her and the kids last night, but I got a text Saturday morning saying that she needed to be alone, she and the kids had spent the night at a friend's house, and to call her husband Tom and see if he is home and whether I can get in and out to shower and wash clothes while he is still there, (I had NOTHING clean to wear), and could I be gone before she got dropped off?...
We texted back and forth and I did not pry and told her I was there when she wanted or needed to talk, and hit the road.
I hit the coffee shop for the last hour because riding the buses and spending an hour there interacting with Anyone, even on a superficial level was better than being alone with my self. I had some cash to spend and felt like going out to a bar, but not having a "Cheers"-like place anymore, or a companion, "That way madness lies.....let me shun that!", and/or trouble of some form or another.
I left the coffeeshop at closing and bussed back to the shed, where I eventually fell asleep about 1:45 am, and woke every hour on the quarter hour, until I got up at 10:45 am. I hit the Giant, then went to Mickey D's and had some coffee and read until the library opened at 1:00 pm. I got a text from Erik of Pikesville PC, ( last night that the new refurbished laptop was ready for a test flight, and we are meeting here at the library sometime in the next hour.
Anyway.....the noise inside and outside my skull is getting too loud to concentrate on typing, and I've probably written way more than I should have or meant to when I started this post Saturday afternoon. [Look at the 'Posted' date.] (Though I did get lucky that I ran out of time before I could hit the 'Post' button yesterday....I was able to come back today and edit out a LOT!(!!!), of what could have been incriminating or 'grounds for involuntary commission' material!........LOL!!!.....(Maybe!?!).
I'm done for now, and exhausted again. Sorry if I'm not up to my usual level of humourous content.....but that's a facde sometimes too.
I'm supposed to start Physical Therapy tomorrow, but I don't remember what time, and I'm not feeling it anyway....soooooo, that's a maybe also.
Later...................maybe again tonight ,(if the laptop like!).
(and if I'm still bitchin' least I'm still alive)

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