Good Evening;
Well....I'm at the coffee shop and it's just turning the corner from afternoon to evening. I am loving the cooler nights and warm to hot but not excruciatingly so days, though I still hate the humidity. BUT!...this thing with the Sun, the whole slowly but inexorably getting just a little darker a little earlier with each and every passing day! This has to be stopped!....LOL!
I'm okay with taking a little daylight off the front end, 'cause there's no real reason to be awake before 7:00 am. anyway. I'll even settle for a 2 hour twilight, but the approaching gloom of darkness encroaching upon my already unstable psyche at 4:30 pm. is just unacceptable! Between NASA, The Pentagon, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Steven Spielberg-George Lucas-Disney/Pixar, Walmart, The Pope, & Carlos Slim Helu....(never heard of him have you, from Mexico, he's the richest man in the world....74 Billion, give or take a few zillion...Google him, you'll see.....lol!)....something should be able to be done!
So I woke up every hour or so last night with back pains and spasms, and not enough 'bupe' left to take an extra, or early, dose because I won't be getting more until tomorrow, and though it not addictive in the sense of chasing it for a high, it does build up a dependency that precludes stopping one from taking it completely all at once, so I had to save my last quarter of a tablet until later tonight or early tomorrow. The Ibuprofen acts as an analgesic in part and anti-inflammatory, but does not work fully enough. The cyclobenzaprine helps with the spasms some but again not fully, and I don't want to increase the amount or the frequency, or step up to the next level of m.r./tranq. for alot of reasons. At this point I'm just hanging on until the combination of individual pain nodes in back, neck, shoulder, foot, and abdomen goes from really annoying to 'F*ck This' to take the last 'bupe'. I have to call Monkee back in the morning when the pharmacy is supposed to have a new delivery, and be filling scripts. And unless it is really pouring, (forecast says scattered/isolated T-storms), I'm going to force my self to stop at JAI in East Baltimore, near Hopkins, to see about meeting with the person there who my doctor says can get me into a maintenance program for 'bupe' there without all the unneeded withdrawal/detox bullshit....how hard can it be for someone to comprehend that I'm not doing dope, that I have not been doing dope for years, that I have done the whole 'kicking it' rigamarole myself and weened down to minimal levels already, and with my doctor's blessing, want to stay on a long term maintenance program....AND ENTER AT THIS POINT!
Well, we'll see..........
I splurged on foods I really, really like at the Giant today, regardless of fat/carb/calorie content. I am at a point where if I don't stop eating and lose some noticeable weight, quick as possible, I'm going right over the edge of the abyss that I'm perched on right now. There is so much extra exterior and interior bullsh*t, stress, pressure, depressive and addictive triggers, above and beyond those I have mentioned, analyzed, bitched, moaned, and whined about that suicidal ideations have taken a back seat to a variety individual and combinations of self destructive, instantly gratifying, consequence ignoring, (because, WTF!, I'm going down one way or another so why not 'crash and burn' and 'go down in flames anyway), thoughts, ideas, actions and activities.....to the point that the next clueless bastard whose biggest worry is which new smart phone to buy,... who tells me to 'snap out of it, things could be worse'...may eat his teeth.
Yes, intellectually, I am aware the knowledge that there are those who are worse off, and as shitty as things get there are things and people that I am so grateful for it chokes me up and brings me to tears. But when deep inside you KNOW it will never get any better, and 50 years worth of voices inside your head, (both yours AND others), start repeating 50 years of commentary on your failings and failures......one's self worth tends to take a beating. And the facade of the ego that tries to project the confidence and ability that other people, (less familiar with the hidden intimate details of the dark places in one's soul and mind),..people, who are always telling you that you have what you know you don't.....but just have become real good at faking......that facade doesn't just start to crumble, but like a volcano holding back years of hidden pressure beneath the peaceful, supposedly dormant crust of it's caldera.....that facade begins to explode, shattered into millions of jagged burning edges that not only cannot be reassembled, but in their short violent lifetime erode and destroy everything that existed before....leaving a dead, desolate, smoking crater.
And I'm here swinging in the wind, vacillating between fear and anticipation, relief and anxiety, desire and defeat, reluctance and release.....
And honestly don't know whether I want to be like a Phoenix;
resurrected, reborn, and renewed......
Or Ourobos;
forced to destroy the world and consume myself,
only to repeat the cycle endlessy....
Yeah, you could say my head's in a bad place today.......
.......if only all the voice's would shut the F*CK UP! and the dead would stay dead,
I might be able to get a little rest, a little peace,
and even though I don't deserve it, a little grace......
Later...........................?..............................Dave
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