Saturday, September 24, 2011

"Nibbled To Death By Ducks.....................OR...........................I Shoulda Stayed In Bed!.................."

Good Evening;
Well I'm back here in the shed about to lie down and hopefully go to sleep. It has not been the best of days and the Serenity Prayer has been getting a workout. The day started out with me losing my footing when my back spasmed with no warning as I had one foot in the air and the other on the edge of a stair and both hands full with breakables in one and liquid in another, (that I REALLY did not want to get on me), and in the process of trying to regain my balance and not spill, drop, or fall.....ended up slamming my right pinky toe into/against a support pillar. Which is when I heard/felt the snap/crunch of the bone breaking. I was able to fall back against the wall and slide down to the ground without dropping or spilling anything, in sort of a controlled collapse......and the 3 inch splinter in my back helped take my mind off the pain in my!). I took off my shoe and sock and pulled the toe straight until it 'clicked' back into alignment and taped it to the next toe.

I eventually made it to Jenn's where after a nice hot shower and shave I felt better,(removing the tent peg from my back with pliers while looking in 2 mirrors was a trip, as was pouring a bottle of alcohol over the entry site to decontaminate the gaping hole it left!).

So before I ate I put a cup of coffee in the microwave to heat up (and some how punched in 3 minutes instead of 30 seconds) while I went to throw the laundry in the washer. Wellllll.....have you ever had a nearly full bottle of a fairly thick viscous liquid slip out of your grip and hit the floor.....perfectly flat on it's bottom? Just when you are thinking to yourself....'awesome it did not tip and spill!'....good old Newtonian physics kicks in, sending a geyser of heavy blue detergent right up into your face! Of course the eyes as well as the mouth are wide open, to say nothing of the nostrils. After rushing over to the utility sinks which I found out have been pulled away from the wall so that they are slightly lower in the front than in the rear....where the drain hole is....and where the not quite completely evaporated urine from the dumb ghetto f*cks in the neighborhood who have been peeing in them has congealed, which the wildly spraying water from the faucet I turned on to rinse out my burning eyes proceeded to liquefy and splash up into my face....nullifying this mornings 'save'!
YEAH!....I finally got cleaned off enough to get the laundry in and went and took shower number 2. But not before grabbing the coffee cup from the microwave and chugging down a mouthful of still hot coffee, when I was expecting warm at the mouth and throat STILL hurt.

After the shower I scavenged the freezer for the assortment of nearly empty bags I had left there from previous visits and put a tray of chicken nuggets, popcorn shrimp, and french fries in the 450 preheated oven, singeing my knuckles in the process as Ed came caroming off the wall into me. Not a big deal, just some red marks and the smell of burning hair. When I went to take the tray out of the oven to turn everything over for the second half of the cook time I used a kitchen towel as a potholder as always....what was not 'as always' was the unseen rip on this particular towel that allowed the lower edge of the sheet pan to protrude for about an inch.....right where my left index fingertip was. I can now empathize with all those steers, in all those westerns, on all those cattle drives, trying desperately to stampede everytime they see John Wayne sticking a branding iron in the fire! I'd rather be cut than burnt anyday!
And of course, 'third times the charm', as I reached into the oven to remove a couple slices of potato bread from the bare oven rack, the moist bread stuck to the wire rack, and after I carefully worked it loose, being sure not to touch hot metal...AGAIN!, the pieces of hot, moist, sticky bread, similar in texture at this point to molten candle wax, fell all the way off the slices and straight down onto my bare leg, just inside the cuff of the loose floppy, 'round the house' socks I had on, sticking to the hair of my leg and my skin....removing small but tender portions of both as I pulled the doughy blob away.

At last I got my food plated and ready to eat, losing half my french fries to the grandmonsters was a given, but dropping half my food on the way to my mouth and half of that ending up on the floor wasn't! I was like an epileptic with St. Vitus' dance......I'm just lucky I wasn't using a fork!!
By this point....hearing one of the cat's start heaving and then walking into the other room and seeing him puking all over my shoe.....was a good thing!

I left Jenn's to catch the bus up here and when I got on the bus labeled the #59, and he made the turn down Clarks Lane, and everyone started shouting "whoa!!"...and the driver goes "oops, forgot to change my sign to the #58", I just started laughing until I cried!

It really has been....
"One of THOSE! kind of days"


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